Category Archives: Poems

January 19, 2018 · 1:06 pm

How Real Men Express Love

When we met I asked “Can I buy you a drink?”

When we left I asked “Your place or mine?”

When the mood was right I leaned in close

And asked “you sure this is fine?”

And so the night proceeded,

As again consent was had

For removing one sock, then the other, then a shirt,

Just to make sure no one felt bad.

And as I removed my underthings

(Consensually, and with heart)

I realized I hadn’t checked about my shoes

And suggested we restart.

She said she was ok with it

And told me “just whip it out!”

So I grabbed my legal contract

And she began to pout.

At this point I could see

She wasn’t happy, so we parted.

I was just happy to be safe.

She was broken hearted.

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January 18, 2018 · 10:52 am

College Life (AKA the Sin Inn)

When you give a kid a scholarship

To live away from home

Where kids are doing naughty stuff

The “scholar” says “when in Rome!”

And thus begins the dorm life,

Debauchery, and boozing,

Where pipes are not for water

And beds are not for snoozing,

Where you can study english,

Philosophy, or anthropology

But still spend evenings studying

The opposite sex’s biology.

Mom and Daddy pay for this,

So you can unguiltily be bad

And get a job at Wendy’s

While not getting shot by Wendy’s Dad.

All this pleasure comes to you

For only a few hundred K of loans,

So send your applications now!

(That or just play on your phones).

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January 17, 2018 · 9:46 am

My Feelings On Peaceful Protest

There is no force that’s stronger,

No emotion that’s more real,

Than the utter nothingness

Your complaining makes me feel.

There’s nothing within my heart,

Through whose beating I live,

More mighty than the many fucks

I really do not give.

Some see your signs and wonder

And some your cause will join.

I think “wait or hit the gas?”

Then smile and flip a coin.

So if you feel like marching

There’s at least one who won’t sway

And if you see a Ford Ranger

You’d be wise to move away.

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January 16, 2018 · 10:14 am

And, Somewhere, A Naked Professor Sheds A Tear Over His Sushi And Immediately Regrets It…

If wishes were fishes

We’d eat way more trout,

If thoughts were diplomas

We’d have much more clout,

If logic were clothing

We’d mostly be nude,

But if teardrops were onions

We’d really be screwed.

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January 15, 2018 · 3:00 pm

High Noooooo Thank You!

He strode into town,

A wayfaring stranger,

His haunting black eyes

An invitation to danger.

The gun on his belt

Had been recently shot.

“Seems like a bit

“Too much trouble,” I thought.

So as he turned left

And hitched up his horse

I turned to the right

And continued that course

‘Til I got to the city

And started to grin

Knowing that was a Western

I wouldn’t be in.

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January 14, 2018 · 10:48 am

I Tried To Write A Blues Song…

If the fact that night’s black

Somehow strikes you as racist,

If you’ve slacked off on the lotion

And your skin has a cray cyst,

If you drink green smoothies

And fly “coexist” kites

You may not have the blues

But you’ve sure got the whites.

When your three-year-old son

Tells you “Daddy, I’m gay”

And your instagram buddies

Say “Hashtag-OMG-yay!”

If you’re upset you don’t need

To fight for your rights

Then I’m sorry my friend

But you may have the whites.

If Samuel L. Jackson’s

Your “number one bro,”

You think its fine to say “moron”

But not to call someone “slow,”

If you think the dragon’s

Misunderstood by the knights

Then give your friends sunglasses

‘Cause you’ve got the whites.

But if you’ve got the whites

There’s no need to be sad.

It’s not your fault your existence

Makes everything bad.

One day we won’t judge people

Based on sex, race, or fat…

If only all the fat rich white males

Could understand that!

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January 13, 2018 · 9:59 am

Live and Learn

Your face in my vision

With such precision,

A sight I’ll never forget;

How your eyes met mine

At 12:09…

The feeling’s not left me yet.

I realized two truths

That night in Duluth

As to your house we started walking:

The telescope seller was good,

I fall when hit by a block of wood,

And legally my actions could be called “stalking.”

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January 12, 2018 · 10:36 am

Too Soon?

You’ll remember me

When you smell the sun

On the earth between your toes

In the forest we

Explored as kids,

Where the tree we planted grows.

You’ll remember me

When the bulldogs win,

When you wear my number 9

When you see two kids

Sitting in the stands

Though the lights no longer shine.

You’ll remember me

When you hear our song,

The one I chose to sing

When I kneeled down

And I gave my voice

‘Cause I couldn’t buy a ring.

You’ll remember me

When our children smile

And ask you for a snack,

As you trim their crust

And recall that day,

When our baby hugged you back.

You’ll remember me

When the house we built

Is serene in Autumn’s glow,

When the snow comes down

And its quiet like

It was eighteen years ago.

You’ll remember me

As our thin white hair

Falls on our Yahtzee game.

You’ll remember this

And so much more

If you’ll just tell me your name.

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January 11, 2018 · 10:35 am

21st Century Music

There once was a popular band

Whose singer was pretty but bland.

The sales started to fall

Until for one and all

She showed off a mammary gland.

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January 10, 2018 · 9:28 am

Seriously, Look It Up People!

Nixon heard of the Laffer curve

And thought it was a joke.

Reagan heard of the Laffer curve

And said “that’s why we’re broke!”

Obama heard of the Laffer curve

And asked “what did you smoke?”

Trump heard of the Laffer curve

And said “this is bigly woke!”

Most of you heard of the Laffer curve

For the first time just now,

You don’t know what it is

Or how it affects your chow.

So please look up the Laffer curve

So as to be better informed

And we can get to fixing

All the folks who’ve been social-normed.

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