Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Yet a more valuable fact
Is less cited as true:
They’re symbols of waste,
The decay of one’s youth,
Yet one must buy flowers
To prove that you’re couth.
For every blue violet
And red rose you eschew
The longer the doghouse
Shall be fate for you.
So for my fellow rebels
Who see trees but not forests…
When we kill all the lawyers
Let’s also kill florists.
Filed under Poems
Close your eyes and hear the rain,
Which sounds like water, wet and plain.
It sounds a bit like falling tears
But bigger and much less salty.
Some hear it on metal roofs fall,
Like little elves playing basketball.
Some hear it on a rubber tarp,
Which, let’s be honest, probably sucks.
Some hear it on roofs of wood.
Better than a tarp, but still not good.
But to me it sounds like my laughter
At a bunch of damp blind people.
Now you probably feel dumb
For closing your eyes
And listening to freaking water!
Lol… peasants.
Filed under Poems
We as a species
Devote so much time
To inventing a car
That’s smarter than us;
A car that can fly,
Can swim or can jump,
Can brake automatically
And not cause a fuss.
I think we can dream
Even bigger than this,
That the auto market,
There is a way to win it,
And we must redouble
Our effort to invent
A car that implodes
When a moron gets in it.
Filed under Poems
I went to bed at midnight
And woke at 5:00 AM
Happy, peaceful, prepped to seize the day,
“But its early” I thought
And so I hatched a plot
To sleep a few more hours anyway.
Now its just about 11:00
And I’m achy, sick, and bored
Wondering what the heck went wrong.
Now I’ll get dumped and buy a gun
And call up Brooks and Dunn
And maybe this day can be a country song!
Filed under Poems
29.34 percent of deaths
Were caused by heart disease.
23.04 were infections and
Parasitic causes (like fleas).
Cancer’s 12.49, stroke’s 9.66.
The next 20or so’s respiratory.
Then we get into small CoD’s
And a more interesting story:
War caused just .3 percent
Of death in recent times,
About the same as syphilis
And less than a third that of violent crimes.
More people died of tetanus
Than a decade of endless war.
You’ll more likely die of suicide
Than fighting on a distant shore.
And too low to show up,
Beneath .06 percent
I’m wondering where all the deaths
From firearm ownership went.
Filed under Poems
She was a Sagittarius
Who played a Stradivarius.
I was a Virgo
Who played the trombone.
She spent her days
Reading music and plays
While I played Tetris
Beside my pet stone.
She was a sommelier,
Who perused cassoulet
And to whom piquant tinctures
Were je ne sais quois.
But down by the lake
I jumped out of her cake
And I’m pretty certain
That she noticed moi.
Filed under Poems
Sometimes a thought
Is not what it ought,
A fact that, alas, you can’t change.
But type it in bold
And voila! Behold
It’s still pointless, but I had you going for a while.
Filed under Poems
I’m flummoxed to fathom
The bourgeois congregation
That congeals in Times Square
For the New Year’s celebration
While I would reconnoiter
To avoid such a populous crew.
If you’re a sympathetic introvert
You likely share my view.
Whilst others massed in public
I hibernated at chez moi.
It was an evening of simplicity
And I needn’t venture fa’.
And as I awoke this morning
A eureka I did hear.
Hence I’ve vowed to simplify
My vocabulary this year.
Filed under Poems
We could talk about the ego,
Super-ego, or the id
But I don’t think that does justice
To the amazing things Freud did.
Anyone can acknowledge
That people’s brains are weird,
Have a couch to lie on,
Or grow a snazzy beard,
But how many psychiatrists
Can also play guitar
Like Dr. Sigmund “Pink” Freud did?
That guy was quite a star!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 