There once was a guy and his dog
And they read limericks on a blog.
Now he’s married to a hotty
And he drives a bugatti
And he owns a sweet mansion in Prague.
Category Archives: Poems
What? You’re Not Immediately Buying My Books? I Guess The Stock Music And Multiracial Couples From The TV Do Something After All…
Filed under Poems
Thus, I Accepted My Fate
The dragon loomed above me
Drooling volcanic spittle.
He said to me “I’ll spare your life
“If you answer me this riddle.”
Then I saw the dragon smile,
Its eyes a golden sheen:
“What’s harder to fix? The government
“Or the McDonald’s ice cream machine?”
Filed under Poems
How I Don’t Miss It
There once was a prospective miss
Who offered a lackluster kiss.
I just stood there thinking
“I could’ve gone drinking
“Yet I ironed my shirt just for this?”
Filed under Poems
What’s Your Type?
Some men like big butts
And some like them small;
Some like short women
And some like them tall.
Some men like long hair
And some men like bald;
Some guys love feet pics
And some are appalled.
Some men like titties
And no men do not;
Some find legs sexy
And some find them hot.
Some men like fat girls
And some like them slim;
Some guys like all these
And some prefer him.
Guys are to horny
As goats are to hunger;
Some use their fingers
And some guys will tongue ‘er.
So if you’re a woman
And feel insecure
Just know if you ask him
Some guys will say “sure.”
Filed under Poems
Alternate Political Thoughts
Roosevelt called it “A New Deal.”
‘Twas just an IOU.
He didn’t know who’d pay for it,
But turns out that it’s you.
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Emancipation proclamation?
More like “Cut the black a little slack”.
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Medicine prices don’t seem fair?
Let’s have some Obamacare!
Instead of paying to heal me
I pay so you get care for free!
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There’ve been 27 amendments,
Of which ten were automatic
In this American republic
Which is also democratic.
One was banning alcohol.
One was saying “Oops, our bad”
And that may be the greatest unity
The States have ever had.
Filed under Poems
Billionaire Dads Be Like
“Daddy, I want a spaceship”
Were the last words my son said
Before I gave him a spaceship
And sent him off to bed.
Filed under Poems
Where The Senators Cared And The Emperors Were Regularly Assassinated
All I can say about our state of affairs
Is that watching movies about Rome
Makes me think “This government’s ok,
“Or at least better than the one back home.”
Filed under Poems
Apparently He Was A Commercial Whaler
I always wonder about the scientist
Who named the sperm whale.
I imagine he was drunk
And probably male
And thought making you say “sperm”
Was a hoot and a gas
And he probably idolized the guy
Who named donkeys “ass”.
Filed under Poems
But… The Metaphors?
“This movie is great, I promise”.
Those were the words I said.
Then I remembered that one scene
Where they shot the dude in the head
And the bit with the serial killer
And the… actually, never mind.
Maybe next time we’ll watch a movie
That you happen to find.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 