If you don’t like the country
In which you make your home
Then see the world as options
To the places you might roam.
And if you’re in a country
You dislike but can’t depart
You are in our prayers,
In our thoughts, and in our heart.
But if you can leave your country
And insult it while you stay
Then do us all a favor
And shut up or move away.
I met you, romantic prospect,
At a facility frequented by listeners of this genre.
It was unrealistically perfect
To look upon ya.
Then I sang about nothing!
Then I sang the same nothing!
Then the same nothing again
One more time!
I mentioned your physical appearance
But also a personal detail
To convince listeners of this genre
That you, romantic prospect, are real.
Then I sang about nothing!
Then the exact same nothing!
Then a slightly lengthened version of the same nothing
(With backup singers)
One more time!
Then I sang again about nothing!
(Because choruses, yo)
Then again about nothing!
(Because choruses bro)
One more time about nothing!
(Yay radio…)
One more time!
Fade and repeat ad infinitum…
I saw the golden headlights
Driving towards me in the rain.
I heard the tires squealing
And the brake lines shout of pain.
I smelled the burning rubber
And sensed the car careening
As I changed my Facebook status
So my life could have some meaning.
Humpty Dumpty leapt from a wall
HD was determined to just end it all.
Later on on a talk show
Some Hollywood actor
Said being named “Humpty” may have just been a factor.
Filed under Poems
I sit here at the bus stop
Reading Fifty Shades of Grey
(Which I got at the library
‘Cause for that crap I won’t pay)
And as I skim from the intro
Until the final line
I see one quite clear shade
But where’s the other forty-nine?
Filed under Poems
Keep it in, keep it in.
Just keep it bottled up
And let no petty feelings
Fall in your proverbial cup.
Don’t be tempted by expression
And ignore that will to live
‘Cause money’s what you want
And money’s all we have to give.
So keep it in, keep it in.
Keep it tucked away inside.
Joyful outbursts and sad moments
Neither one should you abide.
All those swirly bits of feeling
That bounce around your head
Are horrors from the outside world.
Just watch TV instead!
Keep it in, keep it in
Because peace takes too much work
And if you are emotional
People might think you’re a jerk,
So take a swig, a puff, a pill,
A needle in your vein
So you can keep it in some more
And stop feeling the pain.
If you, dear reader, aren’t aware
Of government surveillance
Then you really ought to know
That the FBI
and CIA
Have a list of words like so:
If you write gun
Or bomb or kill
Or terrorism in an email
You’ll be on
Their list to watch
Whether or not you’re female.
If you write
Assassinate,
Anarchy, or Iran
Then your social media page
Will probably get a scan.
I tell you of
This fact because
My blog needs to get more views.
You’ll know if it
Worked out okay
When my arrest is on the news.
Filed under Poems
Last evening I went to a party
To enjoy silly games with my friends,
To gaze in their eyes and avoid all the lies
That daily the Buy Stuff Guild sends.
But when I arrived at the meeting
I found my compatriots dead
For they talked as robots, just of things, not of thoughts,
Comparing what their Facebooks said.
Now I wander the streets, I the phoneless
Through the crowd who feel proud of their debt.
Is there still a someone who is friends with the sun,
To whom strangers’ hellos are no threat?
Though I may be lost I still wander
And my home is wherever I’m free.
As I whistle alone, just a man with no phone,
I hope that you’ll smile back at me.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 