So began the monologue:
“Yes, of course I’ll train the dog!”
And in hindsight this we see
Was the greatest lie in history.
Tag Archives: Annoying
April 20, 2018 · 10:56 am
Sorry Salespeople…
No, I don’t want to be famous,
Don’t want to have power or wealth.
I don’t even want to be happy
Or have peace of mind or my health.
I don’t want a house or a garden,
Two kids and a white picket fence.
I’d give up all these and my brainstem
Just to not hear your two-cents!
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January 17, 2018 · 9:46 am
My Feelings On Peaceful Protest
There is no force that’s stronger,
No emotion that’s more real,
Than the utter nothingness
Your complaining makes me feel.
There’s nothing within my heart,
Through whose beating I live,
More mighty than the many fucks
I really do not give.
Some see your signs and wonder
And some your cause will join.
I think “wait or hit the gas?”
Then smile and flip a coin.
So if you feel like marching
There’s at least one who won’t sway
And if you see a Ford Ranger
You’d be wise to move away.
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November 30, 2017 · 7:36 pm
Facebook “Conversations”
You know that feeling
When you have to sneeze but can’t
And your nose you already blew?
Imagine that feeling
For an hour or so.
That’s how it feels to be talking with you.
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August 18, 2017 · 3:36 pm
The Last Words Spoken To Me At My Customer Service Job Before My “Involuntary Retirement Was Expedited” On Account Of “Unbecoming Physical Demonstrations”
“You know those days
Where everything’s bad,
Everything hurts,
Everyone’s mad,
Nobody’s happy,
And nothing is true?
I don’t, but you’re nodding,
So it sucks to be you!”
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June 16, 2017 · 3:38 pm
Whose Phone Is This? (Aka The White-Guy-Alone-On-The-Bus-In-Harlem Song)
Whose phone is this
That disturbs my rest,
Who informs its master
By beeping?
Its constant noise
Does so make me stressed
For one minute ago
I was sleeping.
This, this
Is the white guy’s phone
Which disturbs your sleep
Via default tone.
This guy
Will be lain to rest
At the mortuary of Saint Mary.
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May 8, 2017 · 10:05 pm
NO! All 99 Verses Must Be Sung Or One Cannot Accurately Judge The Amount Of Beer Consumed!
I don’t mind your desire for completeness,
Your accuracy is sublime,
But couldn’t we just sing “et cetera”
And save ourselves trouble and time?
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December 20, 2016 · 4:32 pm
How I Met Your Mother (Although She Doesn’t Know It Yet)
I love you
Like a child loves an airplane
Like that Facebook friend
Loves someone you’ll never meet
Like the drunk guy at the bar
Loves “it man!”
Like the certified pre-owned vehicle consultant
Knows you’ll love this one specific car
I live you very verbally
In a way that’s oft disturbing
That’s measured in mega-decibels
And prevents a good night’s sleep
So I thought with this confession
I’d better introduce myself
So that you wouldn’t mistake me
As just a random stranger/creep.
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April 11, 2016 · 7:27 pm
One’s a Crowd
I’m a lonely little elf
In the presence of myself.
The solitude, it hurts my head.
I just wish I’d stop talking and go to bed.
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March 29, 2016 · 9:33 pm
Woodchuck It At Their Head!
Regarding amount of wood
Chucked by a woodchuck:
I’ll make the suggestion
That it increases greatly
When in the presence
Of someone asking that stupid question.
The Daily Travesty 