Everyone compares me to Godzilla,
Which is weird because she’s ugly and I’m cute.
She’s a monster, but I’m an ordinary teenager.
Guess that’s what happens when your name is “Satanewt.”
Tag Archives: Bad
Limited Time Opportunity, Depending On How Lazy I Am This Week
So as ye loyal readers
Saw yesterday, the first
Copy of my newest book
(And probably the worst)
Arrived for me
To proofread and add
A few more poems
That are suitably bad.
Now I’m a lazy person,
Of which I’m often proud,
And it may take me a while
To proof the book as I’ve avowed,
So if you have a topic
You would like a poem about
I’ve got some comments down below
In which you can give a shout.
So if you have a favorite
From the blog or in your head,
Or you’d prefer a poem
That’s original instead
Please share the information
And hey! What do you know?
A poem about barracuda urology
Might just get published, yo!
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
Dating A 30-Year-Old
You ask will I love you
When you’re not a young lass,
When your hair’s gray and saggy
And so is your ass,
When the passion is gone
And the money is thin
And everything hurts
‘Neath our wrinkly skin.
Our hands come together
And I look straight at you.
“Of course I will darling!
“I already do.”
Filed under Poems
Why I Will Encourage My Future Children To Be Suicide Prevention Counselors And/Or Trampoline Truck Drivers
I hear the smooth jazz
And hit the button for roof,
My heart beating its last,
My face held aloof.
The smog smiles wryly
As the doors slide aside.
I stand still for a moment,
The last time I’ll ever bide.
The horns ring below
From the unthinking mob,
Too tired to be angry,
Too doleful to sob.
The pigeons sing glumly.
I think of my sins.
Below the light turns red.
And my plummet begins.
My mind is cold silver
Filled with screams from below
Yet the light’s green again
And the cars start to go.
And then my fall ends
Not with New York concrete
But a trampoline truck
Driving by on the street.
I find myself soaring
Up and up, past the sky
Even frat boys would say
“He’s really high.”
I fly off the planet,
Gently drop to the moon
Where I land next to Elvis
Atop a dusty gray dune.
Somehow I’m still breathing.
Somehow I’m not dead.
Somehow all this happened
Just like my therapist said!
Filed under Poems
An Anthem For Literally Everywhere
My country is beautiful
Full of water, land, and sky,
Led by sociopathic imbeciles
Who claim to give a shit for you and I.
My country’s beautiful,
A land of both of friendship and romance;
A land whose population is primarily
The offspring of those who can’t keep it in their pants.
My country is exceptional in one way
And mostly mediocre in the rest
And although I cannot cite a reason
I’m thoroughly convinced it is the best!
So once again we praise this lovely nation
Via trite and yet inspiring bits of song
Imposed upon us by slave-driving overlords
(Who, by the way, are never, ever wrong).
This Weeks Hot Fantasy Football Tip Brought To You Hurricane Irma
So I hear there’s a hurricane
Headed for Florida.
Under most circumstances
That’s a thing I’d abhor-ida
But it’s postponed the game
‘Tween the Dolphins and Rays
So my fantasy matchup is easier
Which deserves a few “yays.”
Filed under Poems
Dreams and Wheel-ality
Sometimes I feel
Like part of a wheel,
Like one of the spokes so to speak.
That’s how you know’m a
Guy in a coma
And I haven’t woken for weeks.
Filed under Poems
But If It Were Traveling At 4 Miles Per Hour For 12 Minutes How Far Apart Were The Hay Bales?
Once there was some type of snake,
A cobra, asp, or adder.
Since the story’s fictional
It really doesn’t matter.
This adder, I’ve decided,
Was in a farm one day
Sliding its limbless body
Between two bales of hay.
The snake was not observant
And it failed to look both ways.
‘Twas run over by the farmer.
And thus ended its days.
So when the adder rendez-voused
With its rural malefactor
We can say the adder
Suddenly became sub-tractor.
Filed under Poems
Pokemon
A pyromaniacal lizard,
A grand aquatic turtle,
A plant-infested dinosaur
Walk into a bar.
Some ten-yeard-olds
Go on a quest with them.
It’s worked out well so far.
Filed under Poems
Hard Hypotheticals
If I could clone myself
And make an evil twin
I probably wouldn’t.
But somewhere out there
The guy whose evil twin
Would’ve killed Hitler
Is regretting his choice
Not to make an evil clone.
Now I’m doubting my decision…
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 