Today we bury the body of Joe
Who lived to 108.
He read the terms and conditions
And thus he is “the late.”
Tag Archives: Funny
Stupid Gurus Think They Know Me
They said my spirit animal
Was an angry polar bear.
That irked me, so I killed them
And just left them lying there.
Then I paddled my polar ice cap
Back to my home/cave a winner
Where I slept a couple weeks
And ate a penguin frozen dinner.
Filed under Poems
The Good Orange: An Artificially Intelligent Poem
Today I decided to test the ability of our future robot overlords. What follows is a poem written by the predictive keyboard in my phone… basically me if I were a robot and not a lazy blogger.
The woman who needs a job
Is a good orange
And the only thing that is not a good idea
Is to be the one you want.
The woman who needs a job
Is a good orange
And orange is a great app
And the only thing that is not a problem
Was the only thing I could see.
The woman who needs to be the daughter
Is the only one I noticed.
About the way you want it:
You are the only thing I want.
Needless to say, I think world domination by artificial intelligence is a long way off!
Filed under Poems
The Shape Of Water
Last year the guys in Hollywood
Passed on the script I submitted
Wherein a disabled janitor
Masturbates and gets her throat slitted.
Now the very same movie
Wins the Oscar for picture, best.
If only I’d introduced a lizard love-interest…
It’s all in the details, I guess!
She’s Not Worth It
A girl whom I admire
Asked me “do you want to go
“To an all-inclusive, safe-space
“Fair-trade, vegan comedy show?”
She said, if not, I could suggest
Something I think’s more fun
Which is why this weekend
I got a colonoscopy done.
Filed under Poems
“Hellthrash” Is An Underrated Baby Name
If you go to prison
It’d probably be lame
If your parents gave you
A come-hither name
‘Cause if your name’s “Maggie”
Or “Dropped Le’Soap AndI’m Gay”
You’re probably in trouble.
That’s why you’re named “Flay.”
Filed under Poems
Well, It’s Skinny, White, And Smells Good (If That’s Your Type)
I think a dentist’s love
For dental floss is overstated.
I mean, sure, it cleans your teeth
But would you really want to date it?
—————————————————–
Unsatisfied with today’s love poem?
So was my last girlfriend.
Unlike her, you can inspire me to create something valuable and non-toxic by checking out my Patreon
Also Marvin, if you ever become a woman again, call me!
Filed under Poems
Single Man Seeking Non-Sequitur, Dirty-Minded Grammar Nazi Female
You laughed at me unreasonably
When I said “my name is Ben”
‘Cause you were thinking of the ’50s
When a lot of future men
Had names like Richard Jr.
But went by “Little Dick,”
And after you told me this
I knew you’re a girl whom up I should pick.
Filed under Poems
Or You Mite Be Letting Siri Type Four Ewe
If you prey at a alter
And like you’re time their,
You watch the news and think
That how the world works isnt fare,
Youve misplaced yor resume
But will happily give you the jist
Than you might bee looking four jobs
Via a web sight like Craigslist.
Filed under Poems
Hipster Children
I really liked green eggs and ham.
I really, really gave a damn.
Then they wrote the book and whoo!
Everybody loved it too.
Now I hate green eggs and ham,
That Dr. Seuss and Sam-I-Am.
I hate them so much I can burst,
Yet proudly say I loved them first.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 