A missionary came to me
And my friend Javier
Asking “Do you accept Jesus
“As your Lord and Savior?”
Another missionary
Fulfilled his role
By asking “Do you want an extended warranty
“For your soul?”
Tag Archives: Humor
Share This Poem With That Special Person
A hero, a villain, and an idiot
Were writing a poem together.
The hero said “I think we should
“Write of love to my girlfriend, Heather.”
The villain said, “I think instead
“We write about someone who died.”
Then they turned to you and said together:
“Why don’t you decide?”
Filed under Poems
Pasta My Prime
Tonight my inspiration is limited.
The scope of it is teeny,
So suffice it to say
I found out today
A wimpy Italian is a lingweeny.
Filed under Poems
Transparency Matters
A ghost arrived in the afterlife
Having committed suicide.
The other ghosts surrounded him. “Oh dear!
“Why did you end your life like that?“
The new ghost said “Communication!
“The truth is I just wanted to be clear.”
Filed under Poems
Trick or Treat, Seattle!
Normally on Halloween
I prefer to not be seen
Given that my costume for
The day is whatever’s atop my drawer.
Today, however, I wore the clothes
Of something scarier than all of those
Who think vampires or ghosts and such
Are terrifying. Not so much!
Yes indeed, they could not hide
The fact that they were terrified.
I was a terror they’d never seen:
A religious exemption to the covid vaccine.
Filed under Poems
Next You’ll Tell Me Hot Sauce Bottles Breathe Fire…
Sometimes I wish
That I were a fish,
But then I think
“What if I sink?”
Just then my daughter
Said “Fish can breathe water.”
I said “You wish!
“Fish can just holds fish.”
Filed under Poems
Awaken, My Love, To A Secret Gift
As every day the sun has risen
Since the day all men were born
To signal coming of a new day
By the sunlight through the corn,
By the very first song of the birds
Hidden in a distant tree
So do I hope my eyes will settle
On you lying next to me,
And as the sun casts shadows over
All that lives beneath the light
I hope my mind is full of mem’ries
Of what happened through the night.
As heaven transforms from black to gold
And clouds shift from orange to cream
And your eyes flicker and welcome me
I know I’ve achieved my dream.
As you see my smile widen more
Than it would by normal grace
You see into my mind and demand
“What did you draw on my face?”
Filed under Poems
Castaway 2021
Dan McGill from Denver
Got on a plane. In the sky he
Heard the engine failing
Before they landed in Hawaii.
Alas, they never landed,
Unless you count a watery tomb,
And only Dan survived the plunge
And swam away from doom.
He found himself an island
With a single tree for shade
And he dug into the sandy beach
Until a cave was made.
He lived inside the cavern
Eating fish and coconuts,
Making no excuses,
Eschewing all ifs, ands, and buts.
He was stranded many months,
Perhaps a year or more,
Until one night a ship passed by
The little sandy shore.
The castaway called “Ho there,”
And the captain turned to lee
And knowing he was rescued
Dan Mcgill exclaimed “Yippee!”
Then the crewmen came ashore,
Handed him a water bottle,
And said “You can’t say ‘Ho there.’
“The term is ‘Yonder social media model.’”
Then they asked “Where is your mask
“And proof of vaccination?”
And Dan replied “Oh, sorry guys,
“I’m really on vacation!”
So sailed away Dan’s only hope
Of rescue from the isle,
And for miles the sky was lit
Up bright by Danny’s smile.
“God,” he said, with praying hands,
“You saved me from the plane,
“And now your mercy saved me
“From an even greater pain!”
Filed under Poems
Fauced Up Man…
There’s a guy in a political alliance
Who’s rightfully earned our defiance.
Instead of giving puppies hugs
He had them eaten alive by bugs
And yet you still say “Trust the science”?
Filed under Poems
Troubleshooting
This year I’ve devoted a considerable portion of time to two activities: Dating, and IT support. While normally doing both of these at the same time decreases the enjoyment in both activities, I’ve realized the two have a lot more in common than one might think. For example:
1. Bars are not good places to look for women or computers.
2. Most things you can’t recover from occur because of memory failures.
3. While tempting, upgrading to newer models is expensive and prone to supply shortages.
4. You will be appreciated for your people skills, not your technical expertise.
5. If you need to look up answers in a book, do it when you’re alone.
6. If something is smoking and/or leaking fluid, RUN!
7. You can know how things work, but you’ll rarely know why.
8. You sound smart if you notice incremental changes in appearance.
9. Nobody wants to hear graphic details (or details about graphics).
10. Most of the time you screw up, the error message comes too late to fix anything.
And the ultimate key:
11. When in doubt, make sure it’s turned on.
Also, the more energy you put in, the hotter everything gets.
Filed under To the Reader
The Daily Travesty 