If you tell me to take care of
A monster with eight eyes
I hope you won’t be unhappy
When it inevitably dies.
Tag Archives: Humor
Knowledge =/= Power
I know how to love my neighbor.
I know how to win a fight.
I know how to hold my ground
And not back down from what is right.
I know how to give a speech
And how to help a friend in need.
I know how to make love grow
From what was but a tiny seed.
I know how to be myself.
I know how one’s heart forgives.
I know how to stoke the fire
Which in my soul forever lives.
I know how to have no fear
And hold myself in high regard.
The only problem I can see
Is everything I know is hard.
Filed under Poems
Four European Jokes
If you think you’re very nice
I’ll leave you this reminder:
No matter how kind you happen to be
German children will always be kinder.
——————————————————–
If you read the first jokes
And your focus yet lingers
How ’bout the Roman
Who held up two fingers
And said to the bartender
“Howdy there Clive!”
Clive asked “Two beers?”
But the Roman said “Five.”
——————————————————–
When France declared a civil war
At first we wondered “But what for?”
But thanks to the historically well-versed
We learned it was an argument about who surrendered first.
——————————————————–
Spain.
Filed under Poems
This Poem Was Originally Going To Be Longer, But It’s Sponsored By Apple’s Battery Supplier
I asked how she was feeling
And she said “Around 90%.”
That’s when I said
“If you were an iPhone you’d be dead,”
And that’s how my Wednesday went.
Filed under Poems
The Nose Ring Origin Story?
I wonder who first got the notion
That to enhance one’s beauty and grace
And inspire mens’ loving devotion
They should stick some hardware in their face.
Filed under Poems
Also… Elvis and Watergate
Falling feather in the sky
Falls to where I sit
And talk to fellow bus-stop-sitters
Who think I’m full of shit.
I tell them how I went to school
And met my true love, Jenny.
Sure, my IQ was seventy-five
But I learned a pretty penny.
I learned that trouble walking
Can be cured by being chased
And I got to go to college
‘Cause my legs were no longer braced.
After university
I went to Vietnam
Where I learned about the shrimp business
And saved guys from a bomb.
I met the president again
And became a ping-pong star
All because, in Vietnam,
I got a butt-tox scar.
I met Jenny in Washington
And bought a shrimping boat
And thanks to handy hurricanes
My business stayed afloat.
My shrimping buddy Dan and I
Bought some apple stock
Which made me very rich, so I
Took a three-and-a-half year walk.
After that Jenny got aids
And made me raise her kid
And, having done everything else,
That’s exactly what I did.
I appreciate you listening
And so I’ll tell you thanks.
Also, I just saved you hours
Of Alabama-voice Tom Hanks.
Filed under Poems
Nautical Issues
“I don’t know how to say this…”
Jason said to Captain Tull,
“But the otorhinolaryngologist
“Spilled Worcestershire sauce in the forecastle.”
Filed under Poems
Psalm 6:15 AM
1. And the Lord said: Thou shalt shower
2. And when thou have finished with the shower thou shall dry your face and balls
3. And shall dry thine face first, but sometimes have to dry it again after the balls
4. But fear not, for the Towel has a short memory
5. And where once thine genitals were dried, the spot shall be made clean
6. And the next morning the towel shall be refreshed, as if untouched the day prior.
7. And shouldst thou be aroused at any time
8. Thou shall hang the towel upon the “ready servant” and rejoice in your manliness
8. But thou shall not speak of this ritual to women,
9. ‘Cause bro, why wouldst thou?
The word of the Lord
Filed under Poems
The College Athlete
As I jogged through the locker room door
Coach was shouting “This is what we play for!”
I said “What coach means to say
“Is ‘this is that for which we play.'”
I guess that questioning coach’s decision
To end a cheer with a preposition
Resulted in, so it would seem,
My no longer being on the team.
While you might expect, after my blunder,
That I hope, in my absence, the team goes under
I don’t seek vengeance for my woes…
And it’s “In my absence I hope under is where my team goes.”
Filed under Poems
The Elf In Boots Of Azure Suede
For Halloween I dressed like Legolas
From the franchise about the ring,
But as I walked about the town
People kept asking me to sing.
At first I didn’t understand
This request, but I caught on later…
People figured I could sing
Since I’m an Elvish Impersonator.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 