I saw the custard being poured…
Flowing, flowing flan.
Then the custard pourer tripped…
Going going gone.
Tag Archives: Humor
Venus In Manhattan
The day that Venus touched my hand
The night was dark upon the land;
The wind was very chill and grim
And the streetlights’ respites scarce and slim.
As her fingers met with mine
I longed for them to intertwine.
I held on tight as she let go.
How chill and grim the wind did blow!
I asked her why she ran away
But, no longer present, she’d naught to say.
And as I stood there all alone
I realized she stole my phone.
Venus, it seems, knew the pickpocket’s art
But knew not that she stole my heart.
So I launched “Find my iPhone”
And followed with a heart of stone
The steps to find my mobile and
The Venus who had touched my hand.
Down I followed many miles
Towards the thief and all her wiles,
Past the park and through the woods
And into shady neighborhoods
Until upon the spot came I
Where Apple said “Your phone’s nearby,”
And there I saw her, Queen of Love,
My iPhone held with woolen glove.
Her fingers danced light as can be
As she stole my identity.
I called out “Venus, I am Joe!”
She shrugged as if to say “I know.”
Then she shot me in the face
With majestic and transcendent grace.
As I descended to the dead
Her visage filled what was left of my head.
And on that dark and stormy night
When Venus’s left hand touched my right…
That hand which held the fated gun
Which well-ensured my life was done…
And whence the chill, grim wind had blown
I learned the downside of testosterone.
Filed under Poems
Three Wholesome Jokes (Almost)
He started as a humble sponge
Used to being ignored.
Then he got famous, his ego grew,
And he became self-absorbed.
——————————————————–
I picked up a hitchhiking balloon
Who was waiting at a bus stop.
I asked what sort of music he liked;
He said “Anything but pop.”
——————————————————–
My relationship: I wanted to end it.
I told my girl “I want to be independent.”
In her right jacket-pocket
She had my photo in a locket
And said “You are… in de pendant!”
…So I killed her.
Filed under Poems
Death: A Children’s Book
🤕
This is Stan.
Stan is dead.
Stan’s dead ’cause he hit his head.
😢
When you hit your head you cry
And sometimes you, like Stan, will die
👻
But if you don’t, don’t feel blue…
There are other ways to quit life too!
😷
You can die from a disease
Passed on by friends or mice or fleas.
🤑🎆
You can be killed by overwork
Or even by a firework!
🤡
A clown can kill you at a fair
(Though I’ll admit that’s rather rare)
🦘
Or you can die by kangaroo
(Though I’ll admit that that’s rare too).
❤️
Most folks die of heart disease
From not eating their broccolis.
♋️
Cancer kills a lot of folks
And it’s the butt of many jokes.
💯
Everybody’s going to die
But there’s no need for you to cry,
😤
But if you keep crying soon you can
Meet our head wound idol, Stan!
🤕
Filed under Poems
Why You Shouldn’t Be An English Major
Bucolic was the morning mist
On fields outside of Boise.
The adults sipped their hot caffein
And the children weren’t noisy.
Within one comely bungalow
A dalliance effloresced.
You probably don’t know what that means
And perhaps it’s for the best.
I bring up this erstwhile dalliance
Between man and ingénou
With intentional insouciance
To show I’m smarter than you.
The denouement of this poem,
Evanescent as it is,
Shows evidence of the inurement
I’ve derived from colleges.
Filed under Poems
Book Reports
Quite a number of years ago
There lived a certain so-and-so
Who often times did… well, you know…
And it turned out like you’d think.
Another someone did react
And that, I can say, is a fact.
Some things were had and some were lacked
And some of those things were pink.
Then stuff went down all over town
And what was pink soon turned to brown
And Jack fell down and broke his crown
And someone felt remorse!
Then the tale wrapped up in the knick of time
And what was pink, then brown, turned into lime
And all in all it was sublime.
What? Of course I read the book!
Filed under Poems
November, 2020
You probably didn’t think
That evidence you’d find
To elect a Pokémon,
But I hope to change your mind:
So if you are American
(Or not, we don’t really check)
Vote Meowth 2020
‘Cause hey! What the heck?
Filed under Poems
A Poetical Update/Cry For Help
As I was reading through my blog
Upon this snowy day
I realized there’s lots of posts
That, by default, went away.
There are two-thousand-something poems
That I’ve written on this site
And to have them be forgotten
Just really isn’t right.
I looked into solutions
But to add a button here
To send you to a random post
Costs $600 a year (Seriously WordPress? Seriously?)
So my solution to preserve
Those posts into which I put thought
Is to compile a book that’s bigger
Than the books you’ve already bought. (Hint hint)
So a thing that I am wondering
About my biggest-book-yet dream
Is whether to just compile stuff
Or whether to have a theme.
And here’s the part where you come in:
Please help me make you happy
By commenting or emailing me
Advice to make the book less crappy…
Is an omnibus of random poems
With my thoughts added enough
Or do you want a theme again
With more never-published stuff?
And if, of course, you don’t reply
I’ll just decide myself
But I’ll make the cover aubergine
So it looks weird on your shelf 🙂
Comments welcomed on the site, or emailed to thedailytravesty@yahoo.com
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
Honesty
I used to be wealthy, handsome, and brave.
I used to be known as whom all women crave.
I used to be humble, witty, and wise
But then I stopped speaking in nothing but lies.
Filed under Poems
Why English Is Hard
How do you pronounce vapid,
Plein air, eschew, or bow?
Then when you factor in typoes
You really never now.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 