Within the next 26.07 fortnights
My predominant aspiration
Is to perpetuate the convention
Of heightened lexicon inflation.
Be not perturbed if reading this
Is an arduous endeavor:
Aspirations are ephemeral whilst
Prose-prevarication is forever.
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Next year my goal
Is to learn new words
But I’m also lazy
And learning’s for the birds.
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Me like words with lotsa letter
But me like to sleep-in better.
Filed under Poems
Here’s to the year
That’s drawing near
(Or, depending when you read this,
Is already here),
I year where the queer
Have no need to fear,
Where we can steer clear
Of those who would sneer
And our get-in-shape goals
Can go get back in gear.
May your pain disappear
In the upcoming year
And if you partook of beer
Of deer may you steer clear.
I hope that my well wishes
Have thus been made clear
For this poem, readers dear,
You will find endeth here.
Filed under Poems
This year I wrote poems
In large quantities.
Next year I will do the same.
That’s why I don’t mind
That my poem this evening
Is a bit on the spectrum of lame.
Filed under Poems
The title’s not a typo
But a movement that began
Because the words “women” and “woman”
Include the words “men” and “man.”
I support those of all genders
Whether pronounceable or not
But there are a few more words
Of which ye womxn haven’t thought:
Mandatory, mandate
Manuscript and mandolin,
Manufacture, mandril,
Manhole, manager, mansion,
Manitoba, manometric,
And we haven’t seen
Manservant, mend, mental, and menstruate,
Manhandle, mangosteen,
Plus Truman, human, lumen,
Mandrake and manipulate,
Manifest, manageable,
Mannerly and mandarinate,
Mandatory, mandragora,
Manchineels and manticore,
Manicure, manifest, manubriums,
And over 1,600 more.
The point that I am making
Is that “man” shows up a lot;
It’s just a common phoneme,
Not a patriarchal plot.
So don’t mention Womxn to me
Or their mantras, manifestos,
Or other such manure.
Now excuse me, I’m making pesto.
Filed under Poems
He said he had a magic trick
That always would impress.
He told me to pick any card
So I picked his American Express.
Filed under Poems
I saw a gal I thought was cute
So I asked her thoughts on pitted fruit.
She said she thought plums were great
So I asked “How ’bout a date?”
Filed under Poems
‘Twas the day after Christmas
And all through my mind
No ideas were stirring
Of the poetic kind.
I stood by the fire
While amidst the tumult
And I pumped out two stanzas,
This being the result.
Filed under Poems
Jesus was born in a manger
And in French “manger” means “to eat.”
I don’t know how that is relevant
But I still think it is neat.
Filed under Poems
While I was at a funeral
I had to share a thought.
I stood and shouted “Plethora!”
They said “Thanks. That means a lot.”
Filed under Poems
I learned a Christmas magic trick:
First, choose any number
Then subtract the area code
From your local plumber,
Divide the difference by itself
Times the weight of George Costanza
And you have the number of people
Who actually celebrate Kwanzaa.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 