I’m the Rolls Royce of romance,
The Lamborghini of love,
The Audi of ardor
And the driver thereof.
I’m a Bentley of bravery.
You’re a Cadillac cutie.
Alas I’m the Smart Car
Of wealth, status, and beauty.
Tag Archives: Love
Never Date A “Journalist”
I said “I can’t go dancing
Because of Plantar’s Fasciitis.”
She said “isn’t that when gardeners
Vote for Trump just to spite us?”
I laughed a bit too much I guess.
I thought it was just banter.
Now I’m mocked on Buzzfeed
For being a fascist planter.
Filed under Poems
Well, It’s Skinny, White, And Smells Good (If That’s Your Type)
I think a dentist’s love
For dental floss is overstated.
I mean, sure, it cleans your teeth
But would you really want to date it?
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Unsatisfied with today’s love poem?
So was my last girlfriend.
Unlike her, you can inspire me to create something valuable and non-toxic by checking out my Patreon
Also Marvin, if you ever become a woman again, call me!
Filed under Poems
Was That A Buzz? Could Be Important…
Smell the golden ocean’s breeze,
See the twinkling distant shore.
The flashing red of car brakes
Shine like Christmas at sunset.
The city’s sound is footsteps
On a snowy concrete floor.
And in that eternal moment
Life’s as good as it can get.
The Gods look down in wonder
From wherever they may be
And the windy shaking cedars
Loose a low ecstatic moan.
And in that time and space is love
For all the world to see
Except for all the people
Who think “I should check my phone.”
Filed under Poems
It’s Hard To Express Affection Sometimes
My love for you’s beyond that
Which human words can express,
But if I had to make a word
Then… let me think… I guess
It would sound somewhat like
The sound a beaver makes
When it stops chewing tree bark
And moves to eating rakes.
Filed under Poems
George R.R. Martin Haikus
Tiny perfect love
Harmless as the falling snow…
Let’s murder it! Lol
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If your life is bland
Even though you’re rich and stuff
Why not try incest?
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I like stories where
Characters have twelve names each.
Maybe that’s just me…
Today
We are lazy-eyed romantics
Who, slothful, deign to leer
At sexy ghosts like future, past,
But seldom now or here.
We seek the worldly pleasures
That we, in moments, lack
Knowing we once had them
And hoping they’ll come back.
And like the perfect lover
The present sees us gaze
At a future that will never come
And long-forgotten days
Yet gives us still all that we need,
Supports in every way.
I write so we’ll requite the love
Of the miracle that is Today.
They Told Me To Find My Passion… (AKA My Tool Is Longer Than Yours)
As my eyes met the tape measure
I felt the fire rear up in my heart
And I knew that in the future
I could measure
In metric or imperial units
How high those heart-flames soared.
Some people mocked my passion,
Said I’m weird for longing
To know how long my longing was,
But I say its better than being bored.
When I feel that need to now how I feel
And I pull out that flexible metal bar
And with each box, each wall I measure
The heavens ring with a music
Only it and I can hear,
A cord’s secret chord.
And somewhere in that tape measure
That sings our hidden music
I hope its heart is happy
Knowing my pocket will be its home
And gone are the days
When its passions were ignored.
Filed under Poems
Tom Is The Perfect Man
She says she wants a man
Who’ll be honest and true,
Who’ll give her his heart
And support when she’s blue,
Who say they’re old-fashioned
But open to stuff,
Safe and spontaneous,
Non-threatening but buff,
And I can’t help thinking
As I look in her eyes
That I’m glad I’m her cat
And not one of those guys.
Romance, California Style
It may have been love
If that’s what you call it,
‘Cause I liked her tits
And she liked my wallet.
As it turned out later
Hers and mine were both fake
But we both loosed our hair buns
And took what we could take.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 