Though made to feed a bovine calf
We stole you from the mother,
Mixed you with bacteria
And rennet to feed another.
We formed this new more-yellow you
Into a wheel of cheese
To be sliced and melted freely
By whosoever it should please.
Your sacrifice is noted
And has brought the world much joy
And we’ll fight to keep you relevant
In a world obsessed with soy.
Filed under Poems
All the single ladies
Ask where all the good men went,
Dreaming of the good old days
When the six-foot-plus millionaires
Without egos or exes
Would contact them conveniently
And buy them stuff
All without leaving the house.
Meanwhile the six-foot-plus
Drama-free millionaires
Are in their basements
Roleplaying car thieves
And writing bad poetry blogs.
You’re welcome.
Filed under Poems
I met you, romantic prospect,
At a facility frequented by listeners of this genre.
It was unrealistically perfect
To look upon ya.
Then I sang about nothing!
Then I sang the same nothing!
Then the same nothing again
One more time!
I mentioned your physical appearance
But also a personal detail
To convince listeners of this genre
That you, romantic prospect, are real.
Then I sang about nothing!
Then the exact same nothing!
Then a slightly lengthened version of the same nothing
(With backup singers)
One more time!
Then I sang again about nothing!
(Because choruses, yo)
Then again about nothing!
(Because choruses bro)
One more time about nothing!
(Yay radio…)
One more time!
Fade and repeat ad infinitum…
If I were a turtle
I would be more fertile.
I’d have more girl turtles to court.
Also nothing but fertile
Rhymes well with turtle
And turtles don’t care if you’re short.
Filed under Poems
She lay beside me
Still in her white dress.
My mouth was alight in her taste.
Her skin was like russet.
Her body was slender
From tip-to-tip, straight in the waist.
She was my fantasy,
Food on my table,
Sustaining me all through the day.
So although it is weird
To put a dress on bacon
I do it ’cause she is my bae.
Filed under Poems
Today we thank our mothers,
The reason we’re alive,
The commuter jets of fetuses
That ensured to life we’d arrive.
And after our delivery
Their labors didn’t stop;
Our every cry reminded them
Of a long-ago hop-on-Pop.
They spent many sleepless hours
Changing diapers, wiping tears,
Just for us to becomes teenagers
All full of angst and sneers.
But two moms we thank today
Whose children are divine.
One is the virgin Mary
And the other mom is mine.
Filed under Poems
There are no starless evenings
And never will there be.
Nothing stops existing
Just because you cannot see.
If you call a glass half-empty
Or say one plus three is two
You do not hurt reality
Except the part that’s you.
And if you look up at the sky
Upon some cloudy night
And say the stars are lovely
When there’s not a star in sight
That doesn’t make you foolish
And you’ll only seem a dope
To those who never knew of faith
And have forgotten hope.
I pledge to always be the fool
Who calls a crow a dove,
Who calls the wind the breath of God,
Whose sin is too much love.
While I may not know what’s real
I know that I know not
So why not choose to fill the void
With one more happy thought?
Filed under Poems
I’m burning photographs
Of someone that I loved,
Watching ashes dance
From earth to what’s above
And wondering silently
On how it could have been.
Is unwillingness to forgive
Lack of virtue or actual sin?
I hold his body in my arms…
What’s left of it at least.
Who knew that to a warrior
A simple dog was such a beast?
But now I am alone again
My mind already set
On how I can replace
My unopened* limited-edition Boba Fett.
*Previously unopened… 😭
Filed under Poems
Back when we were younger
I saw you on the sand.
I asked “are you an angel?”
Though I wasn’t yet a man.
Then I left my family
And the only home I knew
To be the kind of wizard
Who deserved a queen like you.
My world with you seemed softer,
Not like sand that’s rough and coarse,
Your presence a temptation
Like the dark side of the force.
I wanted an eternal life
With you, my precious star,
But alas instead of in my heart
I looked for it on Mustafar.
There I had an accident
Involving lava splatter.
My foe had the high ground
But I thought it didn’t matter.
As you died in childbirth
We shared one final “Ow!”
Then your boss gave me a suit
And said “You’re Vader now.”
And now I rule the galaxy
With my evil brand of zen
Until I find that special someone
Who calls me daddy once again.
The Daily Travesty 