If I were a Pokemon
I’d want to be Crabominable
Because no one would enslave me
And fight in a manner intolerable.
Yes, ugliness has benefits
When avoiding death is your aim.
And for you ’90s kids who say its fake:
You should play a more recent game.
Filed under Poems
Today we thank our mothers,
The reason we’re alive,
The commuter jets of fetuses
That ensured to life we’d arrive.
And after our delivery
Their labors didn’t stop;
Our every cry reminded them
Of a long-ago hop-on-Pop.
They spent many sleepless hours
Changing diapers, wiping tears,
Just for us to becomes teenagers
All full of angst and sneers.
But two moms we thank today
Whose children are divine.
One is the virgin Mary
And the other mom is mine.
Filed under Poems
I sit here at the bus stop
Reading Fifty Shades of Grey
(Which I got at the library
‘Cause for that crap I won’t pay)
And as I skim from the intro
Until the final line
I see one quite clear shade
But where’s the other forty-nine?
Filed under Poems
Keep it in, keep it in.
Just keep it bottled up
And let no petty feelings
Fall in your proverbial cup.
Don’t be tempted by expression
And ignore that will to live
‘Cause money’s what you want
And money’s all we have to give.
So keep it in, keep it in.
Keep it tucked away inside.
Joyful outbursts and sad moments
Neither one should you abide.
All those swirly bits of feeling
That bounce around your head
Are horrors from the outside world.
Just watch TV instead!
Keep it in, keep it in
Because peace takes too much work
And if you are emotional
People might think you’re a jerk,
So take a swig, a puff, a pill,
A needle in your vein
So you can keep it in some more
And stop feeling the pain.
Many kids found Waldo
When themselves were kids.
They found Waldo in a crowd
‘Cause that’s just what they did.
Some grown-ups still have Waldo
Waiting on their shelf,
But how many people thought
To help poor Waldo find himself?
Filed under Poems
There are no starless evenings
And never will there be.
Nothing stops existing
Just because you cannot see.
If you call a glass half-empty
Or say one plus three is two
You do not hurt reality
Except the part that’s you.
And if you look up at the sky
Upon some cloudy night
And say the stars are lovely
When there’s not a star in sight
That doesn’t make you foolish
And you’ll only seem a dope
To those who never knew of faith
And have forgotten hope.
I pledge to always be the fool
Who calls a crow a dove,
Who calls the wind the breath of God,
Whose sin is too much love.
While I may not know what’s real
I know that I know not
So why not choose to fill the void
With one more happy thought?
Filed under Poems
If you, dear reader, aren’t aware
Of government surveillance
Then you really ought to know
That the FBI
and CIA
Have a list of words like so:
If you write gun
Or bomb or kill
Or terrorism in an email
You’ll be on
Their list to watch
Whether or not you’re female.
If you write
Assassinate,
Anarchy, or Iran
Then your social media page
Will probably get a scan.
I tell you of
This fact because
My blog needs to get more views.
You’ll know if it
Worked out okay
When my arrest is on the news.
Filed under Poems
My eyes were purple lightning
And lips were platinum knives.
My heart beat with a vigor
Like when rappers beat their wives.
I squeezed my hands like oranges
As my skin began to burn
And I knew to that Panda Express
I would not return.
Filed under Poems
Last evening I went to a party
To enjoy silly games with my friends,
To gaze in their eyes and avoid all the lies
That daily the Buy Stuff Guild sends.
But when I arrived at the meeting
I found my compatriots dead
For they talked as robots, just of things, not of thoughts,
Comparing what their Facebooks said.
Now I wander the streets, I the phoneless
Through the crowd who feel proud of their debt.
Is there still a someone who is friends with the sun,
To whom strangers’ hellos are no threat?
Though I may be lost I still wander
And my home is wherever I’m free.
As I whistle alone, just a man with no phone,
I hope that you’ll smile back at me.
Filed under Poems
Men are from Mars.
Women are from Venus.
You can’t be happy
Without a hap-piness.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 