If you teach men to fish
You’ll feed them forever,
But I find that sometimes
It’s a fruitless endeavor.
I taught fishing in Sweden
But to my dismay
They were still eating candy
The very next day.
Tag Archives: Postaday
Apocalypse? Not Now!
Apocalypse’s horsemen
Were riding home one night
When the BMW of depression
Passed them on the right.
“I think we’re now outdated,”
Said Famine to his peers
So they let the horses loose
And went out to get some beers.
The horses ran to far off lands
Where they could eternally play,
And some lucky Harley-Davidson salesman
Got four new customers today.
Filed under Poems
The Personified Double-Negative
Tyrants will be tyrants.
Braggarts will be braggarts.
These statements are self-evident
And fear no refutation.
Logicians will be logical.
Artists will be artistic.
So do or do not contrarians
Deserve their reputation?
Filed under Poems
Onomatopoeia
There are certain words
That are written like they sound
Life “oof” and “pow” and “shimmer.”
They really do abound.
Then there are things that make no sound
Like plants and orange and schisms
Which would make great onomatapoeias.
That’s the case with “colloquialisms.”
Filed under Poems
If The Shoe Fits…
I lived a life of luxury.
I thought I had it all
Until I met my true love
At the climactic royal ball.
Her dress had such a shimmer,
Like her slippers made of glass.
Her smile moved a mountain
And OMG dat ass!
We danced ’til past eleven
Before she fled into the night
Leaving my heart in tatters
And a slipper in her flight.
I picked up the glassy remnant
Of the girl who once was mine
And tried it on. Who would’ve guessed
We both wore a lady’s size 9?
Filed under Poems
I Just Rattled This One Off… Hope It Wasn’t Too Boa-ring!
The snake was made uncomfortable
And it gave a gasp.
You might say it experienced
A pain in the asp.
Filed under Poems
Announcing: Tepid Gruel!
Hello readers! Today I’m excited to announce my next book, “Tepid Gruel and other short poems you probably shouldn’t read but will because you’re already looking at this book so, hey, why not?”
Below is the title poem from the book. I hope you enjoy because I’m proud and excited to share it with you and also because I’m very poor and want you to buy the book when it comes out. 🙂
I’m launching a new cologne line
I think is pretty cool
Inspired by the “adequate.”
I call it “Tepid Gruel.”
It smells like tap water, limp white bread,
And past-its-prime shampoo.
It makes a statement, as if to say
“I’m alright… how are you?”
Critics are calling it “fine, I guess,”
“Non-threateningly bland,”
“An understudy’s ideal scent,”
“Inconsequential, thus not panned.”
So if you’re worried you might be liked
Or noticed in a way
Be sure to spritz on some Tepid Gruel
Before you start your day!
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
Quidditch
I met a girl
I thought was nice.
Turns out she was a witch.
She said that I
Was quite a catch.
‘Tis the life of a golden snitch.
Filed under Poems
The Quest For Common Sense (And A Wonderful Resource For Those Who Fail It)
I tell this tale and sing this song;
‘Tis neither short nor over long.
It is the tale of whom I met
When towards the darkness off I set.
I ventured to a fright’ning spot,
All at one both cold and hot,
And in its center stood the tree
Of personal responsibility.
And beneath that mighty central birch
I met a figure on its perch,
A lovely human, clean and bright
Yet I stood only half its height.
It spoke to me with radiant voice:
“To you I grant this single choice:
“To leave my grove, still safe and dense
“Or to eat the fruit of common sense.”
I looked again at the dreadful tree
From which grew apples, light and free
And with the hymns of wisdom fair
Filled joyfully the grove’s clean air.
And then I looked beyond the wood
To whence I came. Alas, still stood
Where man and beast were much the same,
Obsessed with power, sex, and fame.
To the glorious figure I did ask
What treachery hid within my task,
What fear and pain accompanied
The fruit of logic and its seed.
“No pain at all,” the figure said
Extending apples, smooth and red.
I knew not what was wrong nor right
But I grabbed the fruit and took a bite.
No longer was the forest bleak.
I couldn’t hide. I needn’t speak.
Where once the darkness clutched my heart
I only saw the world’s true art.
Where once I begged, now I produced.
Where once I guessed, now I deduced.
Where once had stood the figure bright
Now stood a mirror to my sight.
And yet the place from which I came
Sat glumly, still the very same.
I stood in brightness, stared at black,
And knew I never would go back.
So if you wander, wondering
Why you’re not pleased with your new thing,
Why your whole life seems second best
I summon you to join my quest,
To seek out forests rank with fear,
And from them soon there will appear
The brighter, lighter, clearer you
That knows and does what’s right and true,
Who looks at worlds of smog and spite,
Yet does his best and smiles despite.
Eat the fruit and so commence
Your brand new life with common sense!
But if back home you would return,
If common sense you seek to spurn,
If you treat dumbness with aplomb
You’ll find your kin at Facebook.com
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 