Nothing says “hypocrite”
Like a guy saying “hypocrite.”
Nothing says “hippo crit”
Like large, lucky mammals.
Nothing says “pachyderm”
Like an yderm salesman’s boss,
And I suppose also
Some verbose plucky camels.
Tag Archives: Postaday
What I See After The Vegetarian Buffet
Lucid wall of rusty bricks…
Placid bolt of melted meat…
Suit all made of candle wicks…
What the heck did I just eat?
Filed under Poems
Just An Older, Superterranean Type Of Lady
It seems every woman I meet
Is a gold digger of sorts,
Or else too young to engage
As romantically-inclined cohorts.
I’m not the sort of man who’s oft
Accused or called a whiner
But for once I want to meet a gal
Who’s not a miner or a minor.
Filed under Poems
Reel Me In Baby
When I’m with you
The sun shines brighter,
The water’s warmer,
My body’s lighter.
When I’m with you
I am flavorful, raw.
I just wish you’d get rid of
This hook in my jaw!
Filed under Poems
Mirror Mirror, Confidant
Mirror mirror
On the wall,
Inanimate object
Which is humanly tall,
Always honest,
Occasionally kind.
Some make it their lives.
Some pay it no mind.
Mirror mirror
(The rearview one),
You’re much more useful
Than my son.
You save my life
Most every day
Which is more than for
That little jerk I can say…
Mirror mirror
Speckled with spit
Above the sink
Next to where I shit.
You are a helpful
Reflective fellow
And thanks to you
My teeth are lighter yellow.
Mirror mirror
That I clutch,
I don’t think my Dad
Likes me very much.
It started when
I pushed him out of the boat
When we were touring the castle
With the shark infested moat.
Mirror mirror
Above the bed,
You don’t judge me
For missing half my head.
For now I sleep
But tomorrow’ll be fun.
I’m going make-up skydiving
With my son.
Mirror mirror,
Reflective lake
My fall you are
Destined to break.
The chute did nothing
When I pulled the pin.
Hey, what’s that gray
Triangular fin?
Filed under Poems
Youthful Needs
My heart afire
In dead of night
I seek out comfort
In my phone’s backlight.
I read and comment,
Like and share,
Yet, despite the burning heart thing,
I just don’t care.
Like silver in a rainbow,
Like water in the sun
I seek in vain for some intelligence
But find “25 people you wouldn’t believe used to be a nun.”
Then I look out the window
On the acres of green,
The infinite paradise
Of Earth so serene.
The rabbits are dancing,
The deer leap and bound,
The flowers are fragrant,
The air sweet with sound.
My heart’s more aflame now
Than ever it was.
Then deep in my pocket
I feel my phone buzz.
Filed under Poems
For My Mom, Based On Recent Events
Like the velour blanket
Upon my lap
A day with you is made good
Even if it were otherwise crap.
You’ll surely be in the number of
The saints that go marching in.
I’ll love you forever, even if at Catan
You always seems to win.
Filed under Poems
الان تماس بگیر
Are you sick and tired
Of having your body
99% covered in skin?
Do you feel weary
Of eating and drinking
While you wait for true life to begin?
Have you ever wanted
To feel religious
But weren’t raised a Christian or Jew?
Then it’s your lucky day,
‘Cause I’m here to say:
Radical Islam’s for you!
To start as a jihadist,
To be totally honest,
Isn’t nearly as hard as you’d think.
The Muslim mystique’s
Just the smell of plastique
Waiting for you in your kitchen sink.
Just slip on that vest
And go take a test.
If you pass you can stand even talla’,
Make a building go boom
And just like that… Zoom!
It’s just you, forty virgins, and Allah!
If by ISIS you’re paid
You may or may not get laid
But we promise at least you’ll get blown!
Your job’s hard? Ours is not!
It’s just this: Don’t get caught
And be careful when using your phone.
Think this poem’s funny
And also lack money?
RI may be perfect for you!
You’re offended instead?
Well, good news my friend
But we’re able as well to help you!
So call us today
And learn Allah’s way
And wash yourself free of impurity.
We’ll train you for free
And help you to see
Why they do that at airport security.
So if you want some fun
And with life you’re so done
Why not our five pillars a try?
You’re one phone call from Heaven:
Five-five-five-nine-eleven.
Unless you’re female there’s no need to be shy!
Filed under Poems
A Block Of Would
They said “we’re handing out
“A million bucks quite surely
“For free for everyone at 8:00 AM.”
I would, but it’s sort of early…
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 