Once there was some type of snake,
A cobra, asp, or adder.
Since the story’s fictional
It really doesn’t matter.
This adder, I’ve decided,
Was in a farm one day
Sliding its limbless body
Between two bales of hay.
The snake was not observant
And it failed to look both ways.
‘Twas run over by the farmer.
And thus ended its days.
So when the adder rendez-voused
With its rural malefactor
We can say the adder
Suddenly became sub-tractor.
Filed under Poems
A pyromaniacal lizard,
A grand aquatic turtle,
A plant-infested dinosaur
Walk into a bar.
Some ten-yeard-olds
Go on a quest with them.
It’s worked out well so far.
Filed under Poems
I went to a church
Not confident one bit
About appropriate places
For me to sit.
Then a stormtrooper came
And yelled “pew, pew, pew!”
I am so very grateful
That now I know what to do!
Filed under Poems
If you teach men to fish
You’ll feed them forever,
But I find that sometimes
It’s a fruitless endeavor.
I taught fishing in Sweden
But to my dismay
They were still eating candy
The very next day.
Filed under Poems
Apocalypse’s horsemen
Were riding home one night
When the BMW of depression
Passed them on the right.
“I think we’re now outdated,”
Said Famine to his peers
So they let the horses loose
And went out to get some beers.
The horses ran to far off lands
Where they could eternally play,
And some lucky Harley-Davidson salesman
Got four new customers today.
Filed under Poems
Tyrants will be tyrants.
Braggarts will be braggarts.
These statements are self-evident
And fear no refutation.
Logicians will be logical.
Artists will be artistic.
So do or do not contrarians
Deserve their reputation?
Filed under Poems
The snake was made uncomfortable
And it gave a gasp.
You might say it experienced
A pain in the asp.
Filed under Poems
Hello readers! Today I’m excited to announce my next book, “Tepid Gruel and other short poems you probably shouldn’t read but will because you’re already looking at this book so, hey, why not?”
Below is the title poem from the book. I hope you enjoy because I’m proud and excited to share it with you and also because I’m very poor and want you to buy the book when it comes out. 🙂
I’m launching a new cologne line
I think is pretty cool
Inspired by the “adequate.”
I call it “Tepid Gruel.”
It smells like tap water, limp white bread,
And past-its-prime shampoo.
It makes a statement, as if to say
“I’m alright… how are you?”
Critics are calling it “fine, I guess,”
“Non-threateningly bland,”
“An understudy’s ideal scent,”
“Inconsequential, thus not panned.”
So if you’re worried you might be liked
Or noticed in a way
Be sure to spritz on some Tepid Gruel
Before you start your day!
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
The Daily Travesty 