I went to the range
To learn how to shoot.
I had me a gun
For to have me a hoot.
I pulled me a trigger
And I used my head
And thanks to my prudence
No targets ended up dead!
Tag Archives: Silly
JurASSic Park?
I’ve debated for a while
The moral consequences
Of selling my body for money.
But when I undress
I find to my distress
That people just think it is funny.
So I hired somebody
Who looks a bit like me
To portray me in screenwritten sex.
He’s an older man
With a history in movies
Named Tyrannosaurus Rexxx.
Filed under Poems
I Stole These Jokes And Made Them Rhyme… You’re Welcome
A Mexican magician
Was the epitome of grace.
He would count “uno, dos,”
Then disappear without a tres.
He did this trick in Europe.
When he reappeared he said “mama mia!”
Then he asked “can you see me now?”
And the crowd said: “Yes, oui, si, ja.”
Filed under Poems
Why Not “Sally?”
Everyone compares me to Godzilla,
Which is weird because she’s ugly and I’m cute.
She’s a monster, but I’m an ordinary teenager.
Guess that’s what happens when your name is “Satanewt.”
Filed under Poems
Dating A 30-Year-Old
You ask will I love you
When you’re not a young lass,
When your hair’s gray and saggy
And so is your ass,
When the passion is gone
And the money is thin
And everything hurts
‘Neath our wrinkly skin.
Our hands come together
And I look straight at you.
“Of course I will darling!
“I already do.”
Filed under Poems
Why I Will Encourage My Future Children To Be Suicide Prevention Counselors And/Or Trampoline Truck Drivers
I hear the smooth jazz
And hit the button for roof,
My heart beating its last,
My face held aloof.
The smog smiles wryly
As the doors slide aside.
I stand still for a moment,
The last time I’ll ever bide.
The horns ring below
From the unthinking mob,
Too tired to be angry,
Too doleful to sob.
The pigeons sing glumly.
I think of my sins.
Below the light turns red.
And my plummet begins.
My mind is cold silver
Filled with screams from below
Yet the light’s green again
And the cars start to go.
And then my fall ends
Not with New York concrete
But a trampoline truck
Driving by on the street.
I find myself soaring
Up and up, past the sky
Even frat boys would say
“He’s really high.”
I fly off the planet,
Gently drop to the moon
Where I land next to Elvis
Atop a dusty gray dune.
Somehow I’m still breathing.
Somehow I’m not dead.
Somehow all this happened
Just like my therapist said!
Filed under Poems
Dreams and Wheel-ality
Sometimes I feel
Like part of a wheel,
Like one of the spokes so to speak.
That’s how you know’m a
Guy in a coma
And I haven’t woken for weeks.
Filed under Poems
But If It Were Traveling At 4 Miles Per Hour For 12 Minutes How Far Apart Were The Hay Bales?
Once there was some type of snake,
A cobra, asp, or adder.
Since the story’s fictional
It really doesn’t matter.
This adder, I’ve decided,
Was in a farm one day
Sliding its limbless body
Between two bales of hay.
The snake was not observant
And it failed to look both ways.
‘Twas run over by the farmer.
And thus ended its days.
So when the adder rendez-voused
With its rural malefactor
We can say the adder
Suddenly became sub-tractor.
Filed under Poems
Apocalypse? Not Now!
Apocalypse’s horsemen
Were riding home one night
When the BMW of depression
Passed them on the right.
“I think we’re now outdated,”
Said Famine to his peers
So they let the horses loose
And went out to get some beers.
The horses ran to far off lands
Where they could eternally play,
And some lucky Harley-Davidson salesman
Got four new customers today.
Filed under Poems
Onomatopoeia
There are certain words
That are written like they sound
Life “oof” and “pow” and “shimmer.”
They really do abound.
Then there are things that make no sound
Like plants and orange and schisms
Which would make great onomatapoeias.
That’s the case with “colloquialisms.”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 