I once went to a market
For groceries I would buy
When a most unpleasant sight
Fell upon my naive eye.
I can only picture
What occurred before I came
As if the homeless had played poker
And they all had lost the game,
For beside the sidewalk entrance
Underneath the neon sign
Were a hundred empty carts
Neatly tucked into a line.
Somewhere in the city
There are those who’ve lost there way
So I beg you, steal back their carts
For justice! (Please obey)
Filed under Poems
When I was ten
The world was bright.
The sun would wear a smile.
When I was twenty
The world was fun
And I ran a four-minute mile.
After I turned the thirty
The world was my oyster.
I was truly in the flow,
And now I’m ninety-eight years old
Being told “the memory’s first to go.”
Filed under Poems
“Red umbrella on a bench
Next to homeless guy with stench.
Kinda wrinkly, slightly damp
Are both umbrella and the tramp.
They’ve been friends since ’98
When he bought it, as if by fate.
Together they’ve been through a lot.
They’ve weathered storms, bickered, and fought.
The hobo and umbrella pair
Possess a sense of laissez-faire.
It seems for them that things look up
As they count coins in their half-full cup.
Then they lynch a passerby;
Umbrella stabs him in the eye.”
This is why you should always look
Before you buy a children’s book!
Filed under Poems
Gary was outnumbered
A thousand to one.
He had some chopsticks,
They all had guns,
But he screamed “for freedom!”
And charged at the rest.
I cried behind a rock and lived
So my battle cry was best.
Filed under Poems
Whether you like mozzarella
Or “anything, as long as its yella”
If you say thank-a-you and please
Then come on down and have some cheese!
We’ve got cheese from cows and goats,
From naked sheep and sheep with coats,
From pigs and deer and even moles.
How much? Bowls and bowls and bowls!
It tastes like heaven. You can check!
It makes the hairs stand on your neck.
And if you melt it… oh, where to begin!
Oh, wait, sorry… you’re vegan…
Filed under Poems
You ask me how I got these cars.
I say “at the Chevy dealer.”
Then I realize you said “scars”
And I say “potato peeler.”
I now know two things very well:
I look like an evil clown
And local sales of Chevrolets
Are going to go way down.
Filed under Poems
Apparently my teachers were wrong
And there aren’t boys and girls.
Turns out gender is “representational,”
Or so the new story unfurls.
Seeing that sex doesn’t matter
To whether you’re he, she, or other
I think we need a singular pronoun
That applies equally to one another.
In the past we were male and female
And likewise called he or she.
Apparently the gender-neutral
Is also important, so they tell me.
So I have an unbiased option
To represent them, me, and you:
We can just say humans are SHeIt.
It has all three pronouns, and also is true!
Filed under Poems
The pawns do naught but marching,
And often do they fall
For little more than hoping
That they’ll become queen after all.
The knights and bishops frolick
In the middle of the war,
Killed quickly by the competent
Or else begin to snore.
The rooks are oh so deadly,
The queen more fatal still
For these are weapons useful
To those of any skill.
But in the end I’m happy
That kingliness fell to me.
For every win I get the credit
And if I lose I mate for free!
Filed under Poems
Today my only meal
Was half a can of sour grapes,
Fortified by some shampoo
And a bit of rattlesnake.
I would’ve snapped a photo
But I figure no one’d look…
This could’ve been avoided
If you’d only bought my book!
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
The Daily Travesty 