The life called “thug”
Is not for me.
I like a sit-down
When I pee.
I do not like
When I am blamed
And when I burp
I feel ashamed.
I do my best
To stay hydrated
And instead of “you’re wrong”
I say “that can be debated.”
I think guns
Are loud and scary.
I admire Hermione
Moreso than Harry.
No, the thug life’s
Not my scene
But you have at it!
(Just don’t be mean).
Filed under Poems
As a kid
I never dreamed
I’d win a Nobel Prize.
Never did I
Imagine it.
Never did I surmise
That I would be
A hero for
Bringing new ideas to light.
I didn’t think
I’d make it
And so far I’ve been right.
Filed under Poems
Jack said “I bet” I can hold
My breath longer than you.
We shook hands and I staked cash
Knowing it wasn’t true.
Then I inhaled and so did he
Our cheeks and chests puffed out
And we proceeded with not-breathing
With the hope of earning clout.
15 seconds later
We both were doing fine.
We both were getting tired
When we hit a minute nine.
The suffering really started
At a minute thirty-two
And when we hit two minutes
We both had turned quite blue.
Another 30 seconds
And another after that.
Even though my name is Dave I
Hallucinated I was Matt.
A minute then another
Then an hour, then a week…
Neither of us dared exhale.
Our lungs just wouldn’t leak.
And when the comet hit the Earth
And brought the end of days
Jack and I, two zombies,
Saw the error of our ways.
We held our breath for eons,
‘Til the East became the West.
In our undeath we’ll break the tie
By seeing who can piss the best.
Filed under Poems
Going twenty-eight in a twenty zone
While casting glances at his phone
With his lap belt fastened but not his shoulder
And an open bottle of water in the holder.
He drove on through a yellow light.
He flashed no signal but still turned right.
He’s of a group of scofflaws such
Who’ll break the law, but not by much.
Filed under Poems
Rubber chicken,
Plastic duck.
The year is over;
That’s just our luck.
Ceramic peacock,
Wooden goose.
Next year is nigh
So I must vamoose.
Filed under Poems
“Glorify me!”
Yelled the beetle
Before he was squashed
By old Mr. Cheadle.
So if you think you’re important
You’d best think again
Or else be on the lookout
For little old men.
Filed under Poems
Some claim my speech invalid
Because my skin is pallid.
Some think you can’t be right
If your skin blends into night.
But what we all agree upon
Be we dark or pale
Is that we’re superior to
The common goose or quail.
Filed under Poems
A first drink or a first date
Can be first love or likewise hate.
A first kiss or first fight
Are blackness deep and endless light.
A first dance as man and wife
Will give you joy for all your life
Unless man/man or woman/woman you’re.
Then you’ll complain about this poem for sure.
Filed under Poems
You don’t often hear stories
About giant sea cucumbers
Who dabble in intrigue
And paint by numbers.
You don’t hear the stories
Of the cukes of the night,
But they’re real. One day
You’ll see that I’m right…
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 