I’ve been thinking lately
About a particular query:
“Does anyone know what’s going on?”
And I’ve finally formed a theory.
Here is that newfound theory
I derived from many factors:
“The ones who seem most confident
“Are dumb, or else good actors.”
Category Archives: Poems
Remember 2009? Good Times!
It’s been 6 months since Trump got out
And despite the recent talks
Of hyperinflation, unemployment,
A border crisis, plunging stocks,
A gas pipeline disaster,
Covid deaths yet unabated,
And all the buildings burnt to ash
By those who “demonstrated”
We can all be thankful
That our country’s back on track.
In other news: Pot charged with hate speech
For calling Kettle black.
Filed under Poems
The Sound Of Silence
Imagine for a moment
No one ever spoke again.
You think it would be scary…
Either that or very zen.
The real situation
Is somewhere between the two:
It’s just stomachs imitating
Horny whales saying “Howdy do!”
Filed under Poems
Thanks George For Keeping Your Voice At a Reasonable Volume
My roommate eats six jars of peanut butter a month.
His girlfriend does not know what Koolaid is.
I now have proof of how low standards can get
And also of how low the rent I paid is.
Filed under Poems
Guest Poem From An Anonymous World Leader
There was a, um, a a a flower?
And it has, you know, plants,
And some are yellow and some are blue
But that doesn’t change that they’re green
On their, um, stalks or stems or something.
And when I smell them
Wait, they said don’t say smelling…
Flowers are green and and and thank you good morning!
Filed under Poems
Why The Unicorns Left
She grew up in the forest
And learned to talk to trees
By singing with the birds of prey
And dancing with the bees.
She trained to be a hunter
From the day that she was born.
She dreamt she’d be the first to find
The mythic unicorn.
She found black stallions, powerful,
And pegasus in white,
Beasts that pulled the wagon far
And those who bore a knight.
She found horses of the sea
And horses tame and wild,
And yesterday her dream came true
And found it bright and mild:
The unicorn! Resplendent
In shades of gold and blue,
With a horn that shone like rainbows
And eyes of emerald hue.
She gazed upon the creature
And stroked its noble head
Then noticed it was unemployed
And rode a mule instead.
Filed under Poems
Men Made Playthings Because They Weren’t Born With Them
When I win a Nobel prize
For literature someday
And it comes time for me to speak
I know just what I’ll say:
I’ll thank my one Y chromosome,
And the reason that I’m citing
Is if I’d been born with boobs
I’d have never started writing.
Filed under Poems
IT 2021
There once was a bug in my code
And my whole computer it slowed,
But I’ve learned from the biz
To just sell it as is
Then charge more for a fast-working mode.
Filed under Poems
If You Don’t Remember “Hang Up The Phone, I Need To Yahoo Search Something,” You’re Too Young To Get This Poem
One low buzz, eleven beep-boop
Ba-ba-ba beeps
Then six seconds of static
That gives you the creeps,
Then the death metal chorus
Played on a child’s toy
And the internet is yours to use.
Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!
Filed under Poems
Idioms, Like Pubic Hair, Are Better When Short
When life gives you lemons
You make lemonade
Then you give it to children
Who sell it and get paid
Then give you their money
Which your wife will then spend
And life gives you more lemons
And when will it end?
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 