One thing I don’t understand:
Why men who stare are loathed.
If a woman is ninety-percent naked
Men just look at what is clothed!
Category Archives: Poems
But How Many Decimal Places?
I once knew a shepherd named Sadie
Whose business was just a touch shady.
She had 79 sheep
When she went to sleep
Then she rounded them up and had 80.
Filed under Poems
What A Glorious Evening!
This poem is late.
I am breeding Pokemon.
I have no girlfriend.
Filed under Poems
Super-Villains: The College Years
If I owned an evaporation ray
That could turn humans to ash
I think it would help motivate
My roommates to take out the trash.
——————————————————–
I had to write an essay
About why I deserve financial aid.
I wrote about the 10,000 horsepower
Machine gun-slash-jetpack I made.
They said “Thanks for your application
“But, alas, this year we can’t…”
And at that point I spotted an unlikely hero
And proceeded to kidnap their aunt.
——————————————————–
Well sure, I’m a villain I guess.
I act violently when under stress
And if I kill someone
And it’s not in good fun
I consider the day a success!
——————————————————–
I was failing Econ 101
So I put on my lowest-cut blouse
Snuck into my professor’s office
And sat on the pad for his mouse.
He came in and I said, “Professor
“I’ll do anything to get an A.”
Little did I know my professor
Had an evaporation ray…
Filed under Poems
Distressed Jeans of History, Vol. 1
An Ancient Greek found trousers
With holes torn in the knees.
He held them up for passers-by
Asking, “Euripides?”
Filed under Poems
DEFENSELESS FOOLS!!!
People are trying to ban firearms
As if they could assume
That they wouldn’t need a gun
If a spider came in their room…
Filed under Poems
Wise Men Know How To Stall
For every man there comes a day
When he must expel waste
And, being in a hurry,
Seeks to urinate with haste.
Soon after, they discover
As their throat fill up with phlegm
That their quest will be a failure…
Someone’s peeing next to them.
They stand in awkward silence,
As the urinals don’t sing
For as much as they both need to
They cannot eject a thing
And thus they close their zippers
And proceed to wash their hands
And go on with screaming bladders
To fulfill their life’s demands.
Filed under Poems
Oregon Love (Or Why you Shouldn’t Settle For The First Pretty Face)
Her eyes were blue as Crater Lake,
Her breasts were like Mount Hood.
Her hair fell like Multnomah Falls
And all these things were good.
I held her hand and felt as big
And strong as Haystack Rock
Until my wife came home that night
And smacked me with her cock.
Filed under Poems
World Peace, Step One
I saw a guy driving today
Who had a sign in their back window:
“Please stay back,
“New stick shift driver.”
I’m putting that in the back window
Of every car I buy
From this day forward.
Filed under Poems
Wheb Dreabs Cobe True
As a kid I brushed my teeth
And dreamt of hockey fame.
I knew I’d be the greatest guy
To ever play the game.
I’d pass and score and block and fight
And win for many reasons
And earn a dozen Stanley Cups
And play for forty seasons!
So, four years old, I tied my skates
And pulled on my first sweater
And grabbed a stick and shin guards
Determined to get better.
I played left wing ’til high school
Then swapped to play the right.
I shot and passed and blocked a lot
And even had a fight!
I went to play in the NHL
And was drafted thirty-second.
The success that I’d achieved
Was better than I reckoned.
For sixteen years I scored the goals
And dropped the gloves and won.
I never got a Stanley Cup
But I had lots of fun!
And now I sleep, a different man,
Amidst the moonlit hush
Without the need for childish dreams
And without teeth to brush.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 