Category Archives: Poems

AI Writes A Country Song

Today I’m bored and kinda tired,

For sure not feeling too inspired,

So a thought emerged within my head:

Let robots do my job instead!

So I was nit at all upset

When a robot said “I can write a rhyming couplet.”

I said “write me a country song,”

And here’s the poem that came along:

——————————————————–

See the hightailing of the cowboy,
I think he’s angry at the ahoy.

He finds it hard to see the horse,
Overshadowed by the rainy field of force.

Who is that yodeling near the saddle?
I think she’d like to eat the cattle.

She is but a rural addition,
Admired as she sits upon a position.

Her leather car is just a beer,
It needs no gas, it runs on steer.

She’s not alone she brings a dog,
a pet dog, and lots of parts catalogue.

The dog likes to chase a truck,
Especially one that’s in the dabbling duck.

The cowboy shudders at the country gun
He want to leave but she wants the bun.

——————————————————–

The poem’s bad, and I think it’s neat

That I am not yet obsolete.

Sure, technology is fun

But robots 0, human 1.

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Dear Washington…

Those who take the roles

Of conducting political polls

Should receive an MD

In proctology

For their research in helping assholes.

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The Last Jedi’s Valentine

A dozen roses can show your love

If flowers are what your love adores

But if you send a Rose Tico

You might accidentally kill Star Wars.

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Guest Poem By Michael Bay

There once was a musclebound maverick

Who lived on a houseboat back east

Whose hobby was arm-wrestling pythons

And whose fingers’ tattoos spelled out “B.E.A.S.T.”

A menace that threatened America

Made the president call him to arms.

Then there was a gratuitous explosion

And a lot of red flashing alarms.

So Maverick emerged from retirement,

Shook hands with some buddies from ‘Nam

Then one more gratuitous explosion

This time from a nuclear bomb.

A scantily clad 20-something

Kissed Maverick and gave him a knife

After which he confronted the menace,

There was a gratuitous explosion…

Thus endeth the big bad guy’s life.

Somewhere in there’s a Bugatti

And a shirtless training montage.

You might think this doesn’t make sense,

Thus explosions and décolletage.

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How To Write A Superbowl Ad

You start out with a robot

That’s been made with CGI

Who says one beer is best

With no compelling reason why.

Next you strip the advertisement

Of anything resembling humor

So you don’t provoke the many

With an “I’m Offended” tumor.

Then say “We love social justice

“So you should buy our calamari”

With the sincerity of a five-year-old

When they’re forced to say “I’m sorry.”

The result’s an advertisement

To appeal to a mob

That hates all corporations

But still needs them for their job.

I hope next year’s Sportsball expo

Doesn’t try to be so “woke”

And the 2020 vegans

Are prepared to take a joke.

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Sincerely, God

There’s a billion folks in poverty.

A billion more are sick.

Every day a million innocents

Will fall for dirty tricks.

Homeless folks are freezing

And millions have no food

But you made a cross at halftime

So I’ve got you, football dude!

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Al Capone, Libertarian

I ask you now to wonder

On the act of taking plunder

And on pirate-like behavior as a whole:

How does someone with a flag

Holding out a taxman’s bag

Compare to vagrants charging travelers a toll?

And what of other you’s and me’s

Traveling on the seven seas

When a Jolly Roger pulls their cannon out

And says “give us what you’ve got

“Or you’ll probably get shot.”

That’s what piracy and taxes are about!

Now sure, our brand of takers

Cheer beside you for the Lakers

And send you notes before they pull their gun

But they are not made less like Smeagol

Just because their theft is legal

And their pre-audit demeanor is more fun.

I’m not afraid to call BS

On our nation’s IRS.

Now excuse me, for I must go on the run.

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If I’d Written This Ten Years Ago I’d Be A Prophet

As Booth did to Lincoln

And school did to fun

I fear that to music

Will quite soon be done.

If you flip the radio

(Or whichever app’s in now)

You’ll find to enunciate

Is practically sin now.

To play any chords

Besides 1, 5, 6, and 4

Makes the average listener

Call such songs a snore

And no matter the genre

You will find bits of rap.

Yes I fear that all music

Will soon become crap.

Is there a solution

To pop music’s decline?

If so, leave a comment.

If not, I’ll just whine.

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[(e^ x pi)^2] x 32/8 Poems About Stephen Hawking

He inspired T-Pain’s voice

And Kristen Stewart’s face.

He inspired the customer service line

For JPMorgan Chase.

He’s inspired Chuck Norris’s costars

And how my face looks when I kiss.

He inspired Kaepernick’s anthem quote:

“I will not stand for this.”

——————————————————–

Stephen Hawking read a book

About how to improve his look.

A little rouge and some eyeliner…

He was a brief history of sublimer!

——————————————————–

If Stephen Hawking gained some weight

And higher mass increases gravitational pull

Would fat Stephen Hawking be more attractive?

(And you thought physics was dull)!

——————————————————–

Stephen Hawking lit himself on fire

To experience how burning feels.

He gained a greater understanding

And a new nickname: Hot Wheels

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Gender Studies Major Seeking Employment

My IQ is 99.

My height is five-foot-three.

My GPA was 1.8

When I earned my PhD.

I’m not a total nincompoop,

Just a little slow.

If you ever need a nincompee

I’m free. Just let me know!

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