I used to be a beat cop
For the city of LA,
Busting heads and taking names
And shutting crooks away.
I had a code of honor
That would supersede the law…
That was me, the sexy renegade,
The American Eagle’s claw.
But though I stood at six-foot-ten
And had zero body fat,
Had six-pack abs and a .44 mag,
A badge and all of that
I knew my name was whispered
In every darkened alley
And I still could not see why
My parents chose to name me “Sally.”
Filed under Poems
There once was a womxn from Berkeley
Who acted rashly and berserkly.
Zhe drove a non-hybrid car
To an all-vegan bar.
These micro-aggressions were carried out jerkily.
Filed under Poems
He’s hiding in a cloud of dust,
Relearning how to never trust.
Her taillights shining in his eyes,
He doesn’t know just how it ended.
Her ears await the next catcall,
In jeans too tight and skin too small,
Praying to what she knows are lies
For the pleasure of being offended.
Both parties borrow from tomorrow
To hide from yesterday’s Pompeii.
They can’t forget about each other
So they settle to forget about today.
He held the door of the gilded cage
And didn’t understand her rage.
He thought he’d shown her chivalry
But she called it the living dead.
Her body language said “I’m cheap.”
She told him she was losing sleep.
He said “I’ll fix this. Hmm, let’s see,”
Then noticed she’d already fled.
They’re hiding from tomorrow’s sorrow
In yesterday’s hip hip hooray.
They hate but obey what they ought
And settle to forget about today.
They’re told by shadows high above
What they must think and say and love
Never asking if or why
Shadows live and love to lie.
They’d rather borrow from tomorrow
To pave the way for yesterday
But within them, on the highest shelves
Are two uncaged, unsullied selves
Whispering in voices clear
So only quiet minds can hear
The truth forbidden by the they:
No one ever lives beyond today.
The public schools of Pittsburgh
Are bad beyond my wildest beliefs;
They teach kids words like “Steelers”
When the proper terms is “Thiefs.”
Filed under Poems
Black Lyrics
Sometimes I ponder
That yonder fonder rapper,
That slapper of the fapper
Who use the public crapper
Just writes, night after nights,
Under fluorescent lights
Whatever rhymes, even if that means
He writes more wrongs than rights
‘Cause the whites, they delight
In da light skin they got,
They ain’t thought how we fought
‘Cause our families were caught
And sold in days of old for a handful of gold.
Dig it?
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White Lyrics
Hey baby, I’m thinkin’
That since we’ve been drinkin’
And we got us a truck
Let’s roll up a joint
And drive to make-out point
And shoot us a deer or a duck!
Some zombies caught diseases
That made them long for brains.
Some are raised by the magic
That a necromancer trains.
Some become a zombie for
No reason we can see
But most zombies decided
To major in sociology.
Filed under Poems
We sat down to play
The latest version of Clue,
Read through the rulebook
To check what was new,
Saw a new character
Named “Mr. Not-White”
And we shouted “Case closed”
And called it a night.
Filed under Poems
I don’t see why we’re worrying
About regulating guns
When supermarkets sell packages
Of eight hot dogs and ten buns.
Filed under Poems
When it comes to choosing my dream career
I’ve finally made a decision:
I’ve decided I want to be
A major league musician…
I want to be in a band so famous
They play quick football games during intermission.
Filed under Poems
You probably didn’t think
That evidence you’d find
To elect a Pokémon,
But I hope to change your mind:
So if you are American
(Or not, we don’t really check)
Vote Meowth 2020
‘Cause hey! What the heck?
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 