I didn’t know that hair could ache,
Just how much snot a nose can make,
How badly belly-buttons burn,
But today I guess I get to learn!
Tag Archives: Children
The Truly Special Snowflake
I’m walking through the winter sky,
A bit if H2O,
Uniquely changed by hardship to
A tiny flake of snow.
My life is but a moment long,
But soft and cool and free.
My heart will always be cold as ice
So yours won’t have to be.
The mighty citadels of clouds
Are signs of what I was,
But I don’t mind departing, for
It’s what a snowflake does
So a kid at the windowsill
Will see me, clear and bright
And now that for a while still
The world will be alright.
Filed under Poems
The Best Sense Is Nonsense
The neighbor’s chihuahua
Is barking next door.
The children threw up
On the living room floor.
A road crew’s jackhammer
Is going to work
And the top trending hashtags
Are #MeToo and #Twerk.
The wife is yelling
That the kids won’t be quiet.
The kids say “it’s Trump’s fault”
And he doesn’t deny it.
And in this glorious moment
That, to you, might seem stressful
I begin to know why
Helen Keller was so successful.
Filed under Poems
Inner City Nursery Rhymes
“Red umbrella on a bench
Next to homeless guy with stench.
Kinda wrinkly, slightly damp
Are both umbrella and the tramp.
They’ve been friends since ’98
When he bought it, as if by fate.
Together they’ve been through a lot.
They’ve weathered storms, bickered, and fought.
The hobo and umbrella pair
Possess a sense of laissez-faire.
It seems for them that things look up
As they count coins in their half-full cup.
Then they lynch a passerby;
Umbrella stabs him in the eye.”
This is why you should always look
Before you buy a children’s book!
Filed under Poems
Children’s Music
For those of you who do not know
I have a sparse financial pool,
And so to make some extra bucks
I teach chess at the local school.
Now, names are hard to memorize
So sometimes we play games
To have fun, but mostly to
Help master all the names.
One such game is but a song,
Wherein the person pitched
Is sung to in a pattern
In which some letters get switched:
“Jamie jamie bo bamie,
“Bannana-fanna fo famie,
Me, my, mo mamie,
“Jamie.”
Yes, it is a silly game
But it does its job.
The problem is that you don’t want
To make the children sob
So every single child
Gets their own letter-swapping chorus
To help us learn their names
Before they play chess and ignore us.
In the old days all the Jamies,
Davids, Duncans, Kyles, and Joes
Could sing this song as easily
As “Head, shoulders, knees and toes.”
But now all the La’shamquas,
Chimeras, Flexktons, and Ka’drames
Don’t work as well with this song
(And the Aidan/Caden/Jaydensall sound the same).
Still the worst name ever
That I’ve applied this method too
Was a little boy named Tucker
Who didn’t want to go boo-hoo
So a class of twenty children
Sang “bannana-fanna fo…”
Then sang the next line to the principal
Who then told me I had to go.
So that’s why I am hustling
With my chess board in the park.
Sometimes you end up a hero.
Sometimes Tucker makes you a shark.
Filed under Poems
True Love? Oh Baby!
I saw her in a Pampers ad
During some mindless family show.
I’d not ’til then fallen in love
But that’s the way things go.
I loved the sunshine in her hair,
The drool upon her chin,
The way the super-absorbency
Accented her alabaster skin.
I called the network, desperately
Seeking to find her name
But I couldn’t connect with anyone.
My only other option? Fame!
I scored a role in a ketchup ad,
Then became a multi-roler
When I starred as the kid who modeled
The Cadillac B-90 Stroller.
I was the hottest babe in Hollywood,
Beloved for being small,
Yet still I’d not connected with her
For whom I’d done it all.
And so my heart goes on and on,
Never to bestill.
I pray I’ll play beside her,
The Jack unto her Jill.
Until that fateful future day
I spend my nights alone,
Just me and my beloved
Via Youtube on my phone.
Filed under Poems
To All The “Alt-Moms” Out There
Little birds fly
And small children don’t.
Dogs obey loving masters
But small children won’t.
Whales jump on command
Through rings made of fire
But children would never
Do something so dire.
Small children are builders,
But so is an ant.
A fly can do everything
Small children can’t.
Pediatricians are pricey.
What’s cheaper are vets.
That’s why I shun children
In favor of pets.
Filed under Poems
Hey, Wait…
If you’re rubber
And I’m glue
You can call me anything
And I’m just screwed…
Filed under Poems
What Is Humor?
The quality of being amusing,
A mood or state of mind,
To comply with someone’s wishes
Or, to kids, the word “behind.”
Filed under Poems
I Like Trees More Anyway
Today is the day
The trees come inside
And the children go out
In the ice and the snow.*
Why we bring in trees
Is a mystery to me
And why we take back the kids
I don’t rightfully know.
*If you looked at this asterisk
You may not be from Minnesota
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 