A feminist told me
“All men are pigs!”
And I almost took some offense.
Then another told me
“Men and women are equal.”
Now the first woman’s making more sense.
Tag Archives: Cynical
I Can Safely Write This Because She Doesn’t Read My Blog And Is Imaginary
Some sayings sound satisfying
But don’t apply to real life,
Like “what comes up must come down”
Doesn’t work for the weight of my wife…
Filed under Poems
I Really Need To Move To The South Already…
You tell me not to use a straw
Because somewhere in the sea
A turtle was killed by floating trash,
Perhaps produced by me.
And somewhere I imagine
In the ocean, deep and blue,
A turtle chokes on a straw and is grateful
To not be dating you.
Filed under Poems
“Santiago Must Die”
They said I could do anything
If I put my heart into it
But after 17 years in a mariachi metal band
A part of me says “screw it.”
Filed under Poems
An Actual Retirement Home On My Street
No matter how I’ve managed to sin
Since my life, long ago, did begin
Please forgive me enough
(Even take all my stuff),
Just don’t leave me at the Woodway Inn!
#RetiredPeopleDon’tDropSoap
Filed under Poems
No (AKA Why Is Pessimism Such An Ugly Word Anyway?)
If the floor weren’t made of lava
And society wasn’t Hell
And people were polite
And once in a while something went well
And I wasn’t disappointed
By the bills someone probably sent me
And my life wasn’t garbage
Would the glass still be half-empty?
Filed under Poems
What We Really Mean
Happy birthday Facebook friend!
This past year your life didn’t end.
You didn’t factor much into my life.
We’re only friends ’cause of my wife.
Filed under Poems
Free Vacation Anyone?
What comes up
Must come down
Except the human propensity
To find reasons to frown.
But on the moon
The proverb’s incorrect,
So send the easily offended to the moon!
Does anyone object?
Filed under Poems
Why I Love Football
This month we will experience
The NFL’s preseason
In which millionaires hit each other
Deapite the lack of any reason,
And we the fans will cheer
To kick our team’s rival’s posterior
Because we can’t play ourselves
Since we’re genetically inferior.
We’ll sit and eat and fart a bit
And somehow manage to sweat.
At the end half of us will sob
While half say “best preseason yet!”
Then we picture our team’s victory
And order larger pants
With the logo of some other team
That actually has a chance.
Filed under Poems
Downside? Nazi Riots. Upside? Easy Day For Bad Poetry.
Everyday I seek to write
A really lousy poem
Where life is hard and then the good guys lose,
But today I can be lazy
And write this poem instead
‘Cause my narrative is just Virginia’s news.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 