I was not prepared
For how badly I’d be scared
When mom called “a^2 + 2ab
“+b^2, come here to me.”
FYI, my name’s (a+b)^2
Tag Archives: Family
The Family Diner
I went to a family diner
I ordered a “family omelette”.
The menu wasn’t specific
So I waited to see what I’d get.
When they delivered the omelette
I found myself rather stricken
‘Cause what they called a “family omelette”
Was apparently just eggs and chicken.
The submenu options included
The “family omelette deluxe”
Which, inspired by Angelina Jolie,
Was chicken with eggs from some ducks.
The Conservative family omelette
Came with napkins that asked you to pray for it.
The Liberal family omelette
Was the same, but made someone else pay for it.
The feminist family omelette
Had no eggs and weighed 300 pounds.
The black family omelette had half as much chicken
‘Cause was no daddy chicken around.
The Japanese family omelette
Came with an unrealistic hairdo
And, upon looking closer, you’ll find
It has better SAT scores than you.
When I went to that family diner
I brought my future wife on a date.
I still visit on weekends and holidays
When I don’t have a lot on my plate.
Filed under Poems
Without My Mom You’d Still Be Pretending To Like Robert Frost
Today we thank our mothers,
The reason we’re alive,
The commuter jets of fetuses
That ensured to life we’d arrive.
And after our delivery
Their labors didn’t stop;
Our every cry reminded them
Of a long-ago hop-on-Pop.
They spent many sleepless hours
Changing diapers, wiping tears,
Just for us to becomes teenagers
All full of angst and sneers.
But two moms we thank today
Whose children are divine.
One is the virgin Mary
And the other mom is mine.
Filed under Poems
Or Just Misspell A Biblical Name
I see little boys and girls
With very unique names
Like Cadence, Weston, Apple, Peityn,
Lembas, Crêpe, and Flames.
Now if your name is “Flames” you’re fine,
But “Crookshanks…” not so much.
So here are some modern names
I think are better much:
Verity, Sanity, Clamperl, Spore,
Visigoth, Boromir, Wikstrom, Implore,
Magnitude, Honeydunce, Kraftool, Parade.
Name your kid one of these and they’ll have it made!
Filed under Poems
Too Soon?
You’ll remember me
When you smell the sun
On the earth between your toes
In the forest we
Explored as kids,
Where the tree we planted grows.
You’ll remember me
When the bulldogs win,
When you wear my number 9
When you see two kids
Sitting in the stands
Though the lights no longer shine.
You’ll remember me
When you hear our song,
The one I chose to sing
When I kneeled down
And I gave my voice
‘Cause I couldn’t buy a ring.
You’ll remember me
When our children smile
And ask you for a snack,
As you trim their crust
And recall that day,
When our baby hugged you back.
You’ll remember me
When the house we built
Is serene in Autumn’s glow,
When the snow comes down
And its quiet like
It was eighteen years ago.
You’ll remember me
As our thin white hair
Falls on our Yahtzee game.
You’ll remember this
And so much more
If you’ll just tell me your name.
Filed under Poems
Happy Memories and Family…ish
Snow and presents,
Carols, nostalgia.
Yes, ’tis the season
And that’s why I called ‘ya.
We had a great year.
Yeah, the kids are alright.
I’m glad you’re my family.
Call you next year. Good night.
Filed under Poems
I Can Safely Write This Because She Doesn’t Read My Blog And Is Imaginary
Some sayings sound satisfying
But don’t apply to real life,
Like “what comes up must come down”
Doesn’t work for the weight of my wife…
Filed under Poems
Weirdness Is Genetic
This one takes sone explanation.
‘Twas late and I lacked imagination
So I asked “what to write? The words just won’t come!
My parents said “Karma or Fritos.”
Now you know where I get it from.
Filed under Poems
Mirror Mirror, Confidant
Mirror mirror
On the wall,
Inanimate object
Which is humanly tall,
Always honest,
Occasionally kind.
Some make it their lives.
Some pay it no mind.
Mirror mirror
(The rearview one),
You’re much more useful
Than my son.
You save my life
Most every day
Which is more than for
That little jerk I can say…
Mirror mirror
Speckled with spit
Above the sink
Next to where I shit.
You are a helpful
Reflective fellow
And thanks to you
My teeth are lighter yellow.
Mirror mirror
That I clutch,
I don’t think my Dad
Likes me very much.
It started when
I pushed him out of the boat
When we were touring the castle
With the shark infested moat.
Mirror mirror
Above the bed,
You don’t judge me
For missing half my head.
For now I sleep
But tomorrow’ll be fun.
I’m going make-up skydiving
With my son.
Mirror mirror,
Reflective lake
My fall you are
Destined to break.
The chute did nothing
When I pulled the pin.
Hey, what’s that gray
Triangular fin?
Filed under Poems
Youngest Child Genes
My Brother is wealthy,
My Sister is wise,
My Dad’s got great hair
And my Mom has great eyes.
You should see my Aunt’s heart
Or my Grandfather’s spine,
But if you like cuticles
No one can beat mine.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 