Life is like a romantic comedy
Except there’s more than one fat person in the world
And nobody finds love in an airport.
Tag Archives: Life
Goliath Is Overrated
What if you were the Ocean,
The giver of life?
The sun in the sky,
The opponent of strife?
How ’bout Abraham Lincoln,
The breaker of chains,
Or the guy who made aspirin,
Reliever of pain?
If you were a titan,
A hero to all
Would you waste your own life
‘Cause today you feel small?
So why open that bottle
Or play Russian Roulette
Just ’cause your inner titan
Hasn’t changed the world yet?
And if, on the off chance
You’re the non-titan type
You still have good reasons
To live without gripe:
Many a diamond
Began life as mere coal
And the smallest of molehills
Means the world to its mole.
Every flower must bloom,
Every river must flow.
It takes millions of light years
To see a star’s glow,
And your non-titan life
Is a life nonetheless.
Whose molehill will you be?
That’s anyone’s guess.
Filed under Poems
Another Once-Great Species Ruined
There once was an African lion
Who was handsome and noble and clever.
He wanted his head to be put on a wall
So he could be admired forever.
Alas, some American vegans
Made a law that to hunt him was banned
So know he stays home in the evenings
And watches MGM films on demand.
Filed under Poems
The Victors
You see the victors on parade,
Their smiles of sweet relief.
You hear their proffered words of thanks
For the ending of their grief.
But what they do not realize
Through their newfound lack of pain
Is that to stay victorious
They’ll have to win again.
They’ll have to reface challenges.
They’ll have to reforge swords,
Reconquer their old demons
And rechallenge hated hoards.
They’ll have to suffer all again
And all this not to grow
But just to stay a victor:
And maintain the status quo.
Yes we conquered those we feared
And silenced those we hate,
But should we take such lavish pride
In merely stalemate?
So watch the victors on parade
But envy them do not!
You would not wish on anyone
The pain the victors brought
Nor would you wisely wish to feel
Their pride in wielding well
The arms and armor of the war
That merged the Earth and Hell.
One day we’ll see no victory,
No men will march with pride.
We will erect no monuments
For those who bravely died.
We’ll stand without a trophy
And we’ll not conceal our grins
For all will be the victors
Come the day when no one wins.
Filed under Poems
Ancient Wisdom
“Let he who is without fault
Cast the first stone.”
-Ye Olde Baseball for Beginners
“Just because my path is different
“Doesn’t mean I’m lost.”
-Traditional Male Excuse
“Even though I walk
“Through the darkest valley
“I will fear no evil
“For you are with me.”
-Man With Concealed Handgun License
“Faith can move mountains.”
-Faith’s Lazy Little Brother
“There’s something about a woman
“With a loud mind
“Who sits in silence, smiling
“Knowing she can crush you
“With the truth.”
-Some hoe, probably
Filed under Uncategorized
Things No One Has Ever Said In The History Of Everything
“My wife needs more pillows.”
“That mullet looks great!”
“Soccer’s exciting.”
“The world needs more hate.”
“Pink armpit hair’s hot.”
“I got a job with my arts degree.”
“I wish that I had gotten caught.”
“I really, super don’t have to pee.”
“I really hate inner tubes.”
“That was a great United flight.”
“She’d look better with smaller boobs.”
“The valedictorian’s getting laid tonight!”
Filed under Poems
Size Matters
Bigger is better in terms of pianos,
4×4’s, salaries, and dicks.
But smaller is better in the eyes of go-getters
When it comes to the waist size of chicks.
——————————————————–
Bigger is better, the man would insist
When it comes to masculine stuff
Because those said men have never had things
That were, in our eyes, big enough.
Filed under Poems
Oligarchy Elementary Is Accepting New Students
I beg your pardon
For I mean to yap at thee
My case for nonconsensual
Reallocation of apathy,
For were we to allow
Our youth to expand
Their range of beliefs
We’d soon lose command
Of the best and the brightest
And the dullards alike.
Though the latter don’t argue
The former’d take a hike
And should free-thinkers see
All the ways we have lied…
Well, that is a notion
We must not abide.
Thus we must imprison
(At least to an extent)
Those who’ve not yet reached
The age of consent
And proceed to tell them
Facts they will ignore
To distract from the world
That they long to explore.
We’ll teach them arithmetic,
Reading, and writing
But most of all that
There is no need for fighting
For if each one resisted
Each oppressive foe
Then our script would be flipped
We, the high, become low.
Thus state education
In all things miscellaneous
Shall ensure that our underlings
Are not extemporaneous.
Thus closes my pitch
For public education.
We overlords live
Thanks to school’s misdirection.
Filed under Poems
Don’t Piss Off A Nurse
If one’s life relies upon
The lungs of an automaton
Prudence dictates to be couth
With the medical attendant youth.
Everything can be made worse
When dealing with a jilted nurse
So to those on life support:
Life’s long unless your temper’s short.
Filed under Poems
All The Credit To You!
It took almost six whole years
But this blog has made it’s mark.
One-thousand and five subscribers
Have felt TDT’s spark.
It proves, with dedication,
Anyone can win it:
I did in 69 months
What a bikini-clad person does in minutes!
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
The Daily Travesty 