When I was born, the doctor
Did declare I was a boy,
But as I’ve grown big and older
I recognized the ploy.
I want to live a simple life
And never go to work
Which means I want to be a woman
(Either that or I’m a jerk).
Tag Archives: Life
Hindsight Is 20/100
When I was ten
The world was bright.
The sun would wear a smile.
When I was twenty
The world was fun
And I ran a four-minute mile.
After I turned the thirty
The world was my oyster.
I was truly in the flow,
And now I’m ninety-eight years old
Being told “the memory’s first to go.”
Filed under Poems
Your Chance To Lose Money Is Finally Here! (Hi Clive)
You could put your money on the Cleveland Browns
For Super Bowl Any-time-in-the-future,
But that wouldn’t help anyone,
Let alone this poetic moocher.
Instead I’ve got a different way
To part ways with your cash
Which is by going to my Patreon
And putting it in my stash.
To those of you whose common sense
Says “but money is important”
And the thought of spending it seems, to you,
A little bit abhorrent
I’d point out that your cash will go
To helping me survive.
Nothing’s really better than supporting the arts
Except, perhaps, being named “Clive.”
But since my name is David
And your name’s probably not Clive either
Hop on over to Patreon
Like you’re an eager beaver.
If you don’t pay, the poems won’t stop;
You’ll still get these Travesties daily.
The only difference is, to get my food,
I won’t have to resort to a gladiatorial melee.
(Which is good because I’m skinny and bruise easily).
Filed under Poems
The Best Sense Is Nonsense
The neighbor’s chihuahua
Is barking next door.
The children threw up
On the living room floor.
A road crew’s jackhammer
Is going to work
And the top trending hashtags
Are #MeToo and #Twerk.
The wife is yelling
That the kids won’t be quiet.
The kids say “it’s Trump’s fault”
And he doesn’t deny it.
And in this glorious moment
That, to you, might seem stressful
I begin to know why
Helen Keller was so successful.
Filed under Poems
Is My Bed The Nicest Place On Earth, Or Is It Just Tuesday?
Two feet from where I’m sitting
There’s a mighty gale I hear.
I thought a bird hit my window,
But turns out it was a deer.
At the zoo a fish died (drowning)
And some penguins froze to death.
A politician stopped complaining
And turns out nothing rhymes with “death.”
I watched a Chris Rock movie
And not one person cussed
And in exactly fifteen minutes
I have to leave to catch the bus.
Filed under Poems
A Friendly Poem For The Boss On Your Last Day
For all of the work
U’ve put into my life,
Can I ever thank you enough?
Kause of you I can say
Yeah, life’s terrible, but hey! Now I
Own a whole lot more stuff!
Ur name here <~~~~
Filed under Poems
Priorities
Gary was outnumbered
A thousand to one.
He had some chopsticks,
They all had guns,
But he screamed “for freedom!”
And charged at the rest.
I cried behind a rock and lived
So my battle cry was best.
Filed under Poems
People Who Don’t Know What “Masticating” Means Are Going To Think This Poem Is Weirder Than It Actually Is
My hands are very cold
As I stand outside at night
Typing in this crummy poem
Because I just have too, all right?
Earlier I was occupied
With eating what I was masticating
But as I suffer in the moment
I regret procrastinating.
Filed under Poems
There’s Joy In Mudville Again!
Blair Walsh missed three tries tonight.
He didn’t have a choice.
The fans will go home sobbing,
But Mighty Casey will rejoice.
Filed under Poems
Jumping For Joy?
They said: Let go your sorrows,
Let go all your regrets,
Let go your fear of failure,
Your worries and your debts.
For a while I was happier
As you probably have seen.
Next time I’ll release my stress
After I leave the trampoline.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 