Tag Archives: Life

RIP Bob (1945-2014), Most Valuable Employee (2015-Present)

A lot of Toms and Dicks and Harrys

Think of death as something scary,

But I see little cause for fright

In the unknown of an endless night.

Say a chicken passed away.

Some would cry and weep and sway

But I would fry it in some lard

In lieu of writing a sympathy card.

So if a friend or neighbor dies

Would it not be equally wise

Not to equate God to a beast

But to sell the corpse to Fancy Feast?

And if you are the one to pass

Why not do it with some class?

You’re dead, but life need not end. How?

Well, some call centers are hiring now…

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Facebook “Conversations”

You know that feeling

When you have to sneeze but can’t

And your nose you already blew?

Imagine that feeling

For an hour or so.

That’s how it feels to be talking with you.

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The Honest Politician’s Prayer

I am a tree without a trunk,

A neck without a spine,

A car without a chassis,

A roller coaster with no line.

I’m an eskimo in Florida,

Someone humble in LA.

You’ve probably never seen me

And it’ll probably stay that way.

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An Only-Somewhat-Exaggerated Tale Of Today (Dedicated To Seth)

Today I drove a thousand miles

From WA to San Jose,

With a bunch of flaming morons

Tailgating me the whole way,

Weaving through the traffic

Like quilters yearning for death

All behind a mini cooper

Going 20 (License Plate: IMSETH).

As I recline, safe somehow,

On my Californian bed

A realization formed inside

My woeful weary head.

I-5 South, the freeway

A thousand miles through crazyville

Should better be renamed

The route of all evil.

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Am I Transgender?

When I was born, the doctor

Did declare I was a boy,

But as I’ve grown big and older

I recognized the ploy.

I want to live a simple life

And never go to work

Which means I want to be a woman

(Either that or I’m a jerk).

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Hindsight Is 20/100

When I was ten

The world was bright.

The sun would wear a smile.

When I was twenty

The world was fun

And I ran a four-minute mile.

After I turned the thirty

The world was my oyster.

I was truly in the flow,

And now I’m ninety-eight years old

Being told “the memory’s first to go.”

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Your Chance To Lose Money Is Finally Here! (Hi Clive)

You could put your money on the Cleveland Browns

For Super Bowl Any-time-in-the-future,

But that wouldn’t help anyone,

Let alone this poetic moocher.

Instead I’ve got a different way

To part ways with your cash

Which is by going to my Patreon

And putting it in my stash.

To those of you whose common sense

Says “but money is important”

And the thought of spending it seems, to you,

A little bit abhorrent

I’d point out that your cash will go

To helping me survive.

Nothing’s really better than supporting the arts

Except, perhaps, being named “Clive.”

But since my name is David

And your name’s probably not Clive either

Hop on over to Patreon

Like you’re an eager beaver.

If you don’t pay, the poems won’t stop;

You’ll still get these Travesties daily.

The only difference is, to get my food,

I won’t have to resort to a gladiatorial melee.

(Which is good because I’m skinny and bruise easily).

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The Best Sense Is Nonsense

The neighbor’s chihuahua

Is barking next door.

The children threw up

On the living room floor.

A road crew’s jackhammer

Is going to work

And the top trending hashtags

Are #MeToo and #Twerk.

The wife is yelling

That the kids won’t be quiet.

The kids say “it’s Trump’s fault”

And he doesn’t deny it.

And in this glorious moment

That, to you, might seem stressful

I begin to know why

Helen Keller was so successful.

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Is My Bed The Nicest Place On Earth, Or Is It Just Tuesday?

Two feet from where I’m sitting

There’s a mighty gale I hear.

I thought a bird hit my window,

But turns out it was a deer.

At the zoo a fish died (drowning)

And some penguins froze to death.

A politician stopped complaining

And turns out nothing rhymes with “death.”

I watched a Chris Rock movie

And not one person cussed

And in exactly fifteen minutes

I have to leave to catch the bus.

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A Friendly Poem For The Boss On Your Last Day

For all of the work

U’ve put into my life,

Can I ever thank you enough?

Kause of you I can say

Yeah, life’s terrible, but hey! Now I

Own a whole lot more stuff!

Ur name here <~~~~

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