What do you call a shark with no eyes
Or an angel pouring red wine?
The answer’s big-budget
But in the end I just fudge it
‘Cause I couldn’t think up a punchline.
Tag Archives: Parody
You Pull Me Down (The Alcohol Song)
When my body is strong
And my conscience is clean,
When troubles flee
And there’s no pain to be seen
Then I sip you
And fade into the white noise
Until the darkness comes
And has its way with me.
You pull me down
So I can walk on water.
You pull me down
To kiss a killer bee.
I am loud
And damp and have a bee sting.
You pull me down
And show the real me.
Then I awake
And find my house is tattered,
My lampshade’s gone
And so’s my front door key
And on my arm
My blood says “Margueritte wuz here.”
I don’t know her
But I guess she knew me.
Filed under Poems
Walking On Eggshells
Humpty Dumpty leapt from a wall
HD was determined to just end it all.
Later on on a talk show
Some Hollywood actor
Said being named “Humpty” may have just been a factor.
Filed under Poems
Social Norms: A Disney Musical (Yes, This Is Irony)
Keep it in, keep it in.
Just keep it bottled up
And let no petty feelings
Fall in your proverbial cup.
Don’t be tempted by expression
And ignore that will to live
‘Cause money’s what you want
And money’s all we have to give.
So keep it in, keep it in.
Keep it tucked away inside.
Joyful outbursts and sad moments
Neither one should you abide.
All those swirly bits of feeling
That bounce around your head
Are horrors from the outside world.
Just watch TV instead!
Keep it in, keep it in
Because peace takes too much work
And if you are emotional
People might think you’re a jerk,
So take a swig, a puff, a pill,
A needle in your vein
So you can keep it in some more
And stop feeling the pain.
The Best Classical Music Parody You Have To Sing Yourself (Guaranteed Orgasm In 45 Seconds)
People say that music
Is the worst it’s ever been.
I disagree because of one song
Written by Herr Beethoven.
If you take his fifth symphony
(That goes Da-da-da duuuuuuuh)
And simply give it the lyrics
“Oh baby yeah, oh baby uhhh!”
It becomes a pop hit
To match the best today.
Here’s a link to prove it.
You’re welcome, by the way.
Helpful hint: Just sing those two lyrics with the melody for about twenty seconds and you’ll get the intended effect.
Filed under Poems
It’s Not Easy Being Anakin
Back when we were younger
I saw you on the sand.
I asked “are you an angel?”
Though I wasn’t yet a man.
Then I left my family
And the only home I knew
To be the kind of wizard
Who deserved a queen like you.
My world with you seemed softer,
Not like sand that’s rough and coarse,
Your presence a temptation
Like the dark side of the force.
I wanted an eternal life
With you, my precious star,
But alas instead of in my heart
I looked for it on Mustafar.
There I had an accident
Involving lava splatter.
My foe had the high ground
But I thought it didn’t matter.
As you died in childbirth
We shared one final “Ow!”
Then your boss gave me a suit
And said “You’re Vader now.”
And now I rule the galaxy
With my evil brand of zen
Until I find that special someone
Who calls me daddy once again.
What Is Love? (Baby Don’t Hurt Me)
I inquired wherein
Lies the essence of love
As succinctly as I could
Whereupon my darling
Pummeled me
With a block of solid wood.
With a term of endearment
Once I begged
Then, without it, begged once more.
But while she had a way
I had only strength
To finish thus: No more!
Filed under Poems
George R.R. Martin Haikus
Tiny perfect love
Harmless as the falling snow…
Let’s murder it! Lol
——————————————————–
If your life is bland
Even though you’re rich and stuff
Why not try incest?
——————————————————–
I like stories where
Characters have twelve names each.
Maybe that’s just me…
The Lord Of The Rings
A while ago
There was a guy
Who dreamed of being
A fiery eye.
We don’t know why
He felt the need,
But we know that
He did succeed.
The problem with
Old fire-eye’s plot
Is that what he wanted
Others did not,
And so he hid
His power away
So after his death
He’d still be okay.
He put that power
In a magical ring
That got stolen by
A greedy king,
And that repeated
Several times
Through fire and snow
And temperate climes.
Then one day
Some fishing midgets
Found that ring
And asked “what ij it?”
One said “mine!”
The other said “no!”
And so the midgets
Came to blows.
The winning midget
Became a beast
Who hid in a cave
Eating Fancy Feast
Until more midgets
Came along,
Stole the ring,
And sang a song.
A few years later
There was peace
And the ring’s new owner’s
Male niece
Got the ring
As a birthday gift,
Met some elves,
And got a lift
To Rivendell
Where it was decided
Fire-eye’s ego
Had the land divided
And that the only
Thing to do
Was to break the ring
Of you-know-who.
The elves said that
The ring must be laid
In the Mordorian lava
In which it was made.
The dwarf said
“That’s a lot of work,”
Hit the ring with his axe
And looked like a jerk.
So midgets and co.
Went on a quest,
They got betrayed
And left the rest,
Wandered alone
To the volcano of doom
Where the trolls and orcs
Drummed “boom, boom, boom.”
While they did
The men, dwarves, and elves
Fought three hours of orc wars
All by themselves,
Had a romantic subplot
With the long-lost human heir
And the elven princess
With the CGI hair.
By now midgets passed fire-eye’s
Most fiery gazes
Then the ring-bearing midget
Had just one of his dazes,
Turned to his friend,
Said “No Sam! The ring’s mine,”
Then dumbass lost his finger
And it all turned out fine.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 