When a guy goes to prison
He calls up his wife
And says, “Though I’m in here
“For 15 to life
“I want you to hold off
“From having sex with other guys.”
His wife says “You too,”
Because she’s just that wise.
Tag Archives: Sex
The Birds and the Seas
If you are a whale
Your parents probably sing
About how to safely do
The reproduction thing.
If you are a shark instead
The learning that’s essential
Is that some biting might be fun
As long as you are gentle.
If you’re in a school of fish
You’ll probably be fine
Unless you can puke out your guts
And your skin is covered in spines
Because if you’re the sea cucumber
It is my belief
You’re in a bit of danger
When teenage whales need relief…
Filed under Poems
In Local News: Dick Trenchcoat Still At Large
I once was in love with a dame
Who, for privacy’s sake, I won’t name.
When I undressed, she shouted,
Which I think is undoubted
Why I had to leave the park. Lame!
Filed under Poems
Which Came First?
The chicken pulled a cigarette
From somewhere in the hay
Then sat beside a little egg
Which it did just lay.
Then the chicken leaned in close
With grace much like a dancer
And whispered, sultry, to the egg
“I guess we have an answer!”
Filed under Poems
Please Examine This Excel Graph And Identify The Precise Moment I Did Not Get Laid
I met a beauty in the lab
And we talked of time and space
And before the time had finished
We were walking to my place.
Things were getting steamy
And as she turned off the light
I said “This is like water
“Exceeding 212 degrees Fahrenheit!”
Filed under Poems
She Wants You Inside Her
The phrase “I want your baby”
Is sometimes super hot.
Mostly it depends if she’s
A cannibal or not.
Filed under Poems
On English Slang and Figures of Speech
If you’re opposed to kinky sex
Then you are very rude
Because you want everybody else
To get regularly screwed.
Filed under Poems
If The Analogy Works Dat Thang…
Remember Mandy the stripper?
The one who showed you her rear
Before she leaned in close to you
And whispered in your ear,
“You’re the one I’m dancing for,”
So you slip her 20 bucks?
That’s basically how the government works
And why I say it sucks.
Filed under Poems
The REAL Cause of Global Warming (and How to Fix It)
Before the internet was made
Antarctica was nice:
Just peaceful people chilling
On an endless sheet of ice.
But after wifi came along
Antarctica, once fine,
Fell immediately into
Inescapable decline
Because one lonely penguin
(Or perhaps a polar bear)
Signed on to ye olde internet
Just to see what’s there.
That was when the searcher
Received the first and fatal clue:
“Are you feeling lonely?
“Check out hot singles near you.”
Now I am not a penguin
(Nor am I a polar bear)
But whatever sorry animal saw
The advertisement there
Went looking for hot singles
Due to loneliness they felt,
Not thinking that the hotness
Just might cause the ice to melt.
Now we find Antarctica
Is little more than ocean
Because of one’s animal needs
(At least that is my notion).
So if we want the glaciers back
And want to stop tides rising
My must delete the internet
(At least that’s my surmising).
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 