There once was a cat of Schrodinger
Who wanted to give science the finger.
He said “I will stay
“And also walk away.”
Thus he simultaneously did and did not linger.
Tag Archives: Stupid
OMG Dad, Why Can’t You Understand Vulture Is A Student Of The World?
Their wonce was amen from Bolder
Hoo new mai dotter end tolled hurr
“Eye a door ewe, Amanda
“‘Cause u un-derstanneduh
“Spelling sin the I of de beholdre.”
Filed under Poems
If Academic Papers Were Haikus: An Unnecessarily Wordy Inquiry Into The Five Syllable, Seven Syllable, Five Syllable Metric Pattern Of Japanese Poetry Because My Professor Assigned A 500-Word Paper (Please Don’t Check My Margins Or Change The Font Color)
A haiku has five
Syllables, and then seven
On the second line
According to a
Study by Milner and Stein
In 2005.
They discovered that
The five-seven-five pattern
Was correlated
With most old haiku.
That means haiku have three lines.
Polysyllabic.
This correlation
Was confirmed by researchers
Who can count numbers.
To learn more, check out
My works cited I stole from
Wikipedia.
Filed under Poems
And Don’t Even THINK About Calling Your Fairy “Sugarplum”
I think the biggest reason
Why the term “minion” exists
Is because all the female henchmen
Continually insist
That “henchman” is a sexist term
And they should be called “henchperson”
And the trust relationship
With their villain starts to worsen.
To avoid such conflicts
The term “minion” is used instead…
Until the feminists learn “minion” means “cute”
And say “Call us ‘persons of evil’ instead.”
Filed under Poems
By The Way, Why Did Didn’t
Today I wrote
“Why did the chicken cross the road”
And someone petty replied
“You forgot the question mark…
“You meant ‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’”
So I went out and bought a chicken
And named it Why Did
And I commanded it:
“Why Did the chicken, cross the road!”
That’s what random internet people get
For being grammar nazis.
Daddy Is The Child, While The Daddy Is Childish
If I were a professional athlete
Who married a supermodel
And knew my progeny’s eventual genes
Would be cranking out talent full-throttle
I think I would name my son “Daddy”
Just to see the look on some faces
Whenever my son is revealed as the one
Who wins all the games and the races.
“Oh yes, Daddy’s enormous”
All the commentators would say
“And Daddy’s been known to dominate
“Everybody who stands in his way.”
Let’s say Daddy learned to play hockey…
I think that would sound pretty slick:
“Daddy comes quickly towards the goal!
“I love how he handles his stick!”
Daddy could master the breast stroke,
Or hook up with a tight end,
Dribble his ball for a lay-in
Or illegally use his hands “to defend.”
Yes, my athletic son Daddy
Would make even golf fun to watch…
But alas, God made me a poet
And no athlete shall be conceived by my crotch.
Filed under Poems
Next You’ll Tell Me Hot Sauce Bottles Breathe Fire…
Sometimes I wish
That I were a fish,
But then I think
“What if I sink?”
Just then my daughter
Said “Fish can breathe water.”
I said “You wish!
“Fish can just holds fish.”
Filed under Poems
A New Study Finds All This Began In 1960 When A Straight White Man Refused To Get Vaccinated
The average guy is a virgin.
The average girl is a hoe.
You can get a college degree
To combat toxic masculinity…
How’d we get here? I don’t know.
Filed under Poems
Tennis: 15, Baseball: Love (Football 6 +1 or +2)
The people writing the baseball rulebook
Really wrote down things like:
“When you throw a ball and it isn’t a ball
But it doesn’t get hit it’s a strike.”
But the people who wrote the tennis book
Just smiled, or so says the lore,
When they revealed their brand new way
To calculate the score.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 