There once was an irreverent poet
With a blog, and he wanted to grow it
But with few likes per post
The internet host
Told google results not to show it.
Tag Archives: True Story
The Best Video Game Story Since Tetris
I lived in a two-story house.
The upper floor was mine.
I told my mom “I’m moving out.”
She said “you’re 10, so that’s fine.”
I tried to leave my little town
But an old man happened to see
And called “don’t go into the grass.”
Then ordered “follow me!”
I walked back with him to his lab
Where he forgot his grandson’s name
And gave me a living vegetable
That some people think is lame.
The old guy’s grandson challenged me
To a battle without gore
And I showed the power of friendship
Via my brand-new bulbasaur.
From that point on my journey
Is a blur of fallen foes
From Brock, Misty, and zubats
To a couple missingnos.
Somehow grandson Noname
Was always a step ahead
But I met him in Vermillion
And made his Raticate dead.
Then I beat organized crime,
Filled an encyclopedia,
Became the champion of the world
Without even leech-seeding ya’.
I am in fact the very best
So between you and me
I think the secret to success
Is skipping puberty.
Filed under Poems
Another Dream Accomplished!
My dream is not too grandiose;
It’s simply to be less verbose.
Filed under Poems
I Want To Be A Journalist Now
Some folks say women and men.
Some say females and males.
I say:
Some lives have a destination.
Some lives are about the journey.
Some people like kisses.
Some people prefer hugs.
Some are busy writing:
Adventures In Milk Purchasing
I am a human
Who lives in a place
Where food can be purchased to eat.
Some take that for granted,
Some think it’s a nuisance,
And I think it’s pretty darn neat.
But sometimes I wonder
About fellow shoppers
Who bought before I came along.
I used to think fondly
Of my fellow humans*
But now I have proof I was wrong.
*This is a lie, but the photo is real
On Acceptable Mediocrity And Busy Schedules
When one cannot find the time
To come up with a clever rhyme
Or twist to end a bit of verse
One may perchance become terse.
One may then search and one may find
That a lousy poem they don’t mind,
That stuff can be bad yet still okay
And that’s the tale of my poem today!
Filed under Poems
Pokemon: When A Binder Becomes A Portfolio
He wanted to be the very best
Like no one ever was.
He played the games and bought the cards.
His reasoning? “Just ’cause.”
Now he travels across the land
Rich and fancy free
Because he sold old merchandise
To folks like you and me.
It took some courage along the way
To claim his rightful place;
His base set boosters unopened still
By some amazing grace
Kept up in value as time went on.
The prices didn’t fall
Because of middle class ’90s kids
Who had to catch ’em all.
And so for all the neopets
Forgotten in the cloud,
The baseball rookies who faded out,
The fads without a crowd
There rose among them a modern god,
Electric mouse and friends
That makes you money enough to buy
The very world we must defend.
That’s why I’m buying at Toys R Us
Instead of buying stock.
Who know what franchise will soon become
The next Pokémon or pet rock?
Filed under Poems
This Poem Doesn’t Rhyme But My English Professor Still Hated It
I think a good name for a dog
Is “Help”
Because when you call after it
Other people look at you
And some of those lookers
Are rich and/or sexy
And enjoy the company
Of cheekily named dogs
And their owners…
Just sayin’.
Filed under Poems
A Hollywood Musical
Hollywood!
(It’s so darn good)
Oh yes, oh yes, I say.
Hollywood!
(Land of falsehood)
Oh yes, oh yes.
Where what’s important aren’t the facts unless they fit into three acts.
The place where fiction goes to diiiiiieeeeeeee!
Where it’s okay to have no story. CGI can bring you glory.
So can manly men who cryyyyyyyyyyyy!
Hollywood!
(Our favorite wood)
Oh yes, oh yes.
They’ve done all they could
(More than they should)
Oh yes, oh yes,
To guarantee that you and me will pay hard-earned money to see
A bunch of actors green-screen flyyyyyyy!
Where shirtless six-packed men are common working at Starbucks, eating ramen
Hoping to be a leading guuuyyyyyyyyyy!
You can’t stop Hollywood!
(Long has it stood!)
Oh no, oh not Hollywood!
(What else rhymes with “wood?”)
Nothing I guess…
And if you’ve ever read the book at adaptations do not look
Because you know they’ll only break your heart in twooooooooooo!
And if derivative plotlines can’t send those shivers up your spines
Well, don’t expect the Fox execs to say boo hoooooooooooo!
They gave you big robotic brawlers
And already have your dollars
So why not make Skywalker say “screw yoooouuuuuuuuu?
So if you’re inclined to feel
You don’t want to keep it real
Then come to Hoooooooo
Llllyyyyyyyyyyyy
Woooooooooooooood….
(Dramatic pause)
Toooooooooooooooooo
Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
(Olay!)
Why The French Make Good High-Rollers
You may look real classy
In your souped-up chassis
And yet prove to be asses
When you read “chassis” as chasses.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 