Whoever invented the word “tickle”
Made a fatal flaw.
They should have called it “squirch,”
‘Cause that’s how it feels to moi.
Category Archives: Poems
Vegans, You’re *Almost* Right
Pigs are perfect!
That’s what I think.
They’re smart and they’re fat
And they’re pretty in pink.
They’re as faithful as dogs.
They’re unable to hate.
There’s no animal better
To have on my plate.
Filed under Poems
When Your Dream Job Is *This Close*
If I were a sniper
And also a duck
I’d rely on my training
And also my pluck
To take out a target
In one master stroke.
I’d let out a quack
When I see the guy croak.
Being a duck sniper
Some might call “fowl.”
But I could wear camo makeup
And maybe a cowl.
But alas I was born
With a bad lot of luck;
I could still be a sniper
But never a duck…
Filed under Poems
Aria for Happy Fools and Background Noise
Our lives are like a song
In a language we don’t know.
Our feet tap to the beat of the world
When we feel that special flow.
It starts out as a whisper
And builds into the cry
Of a baby with the will to sing
But no knowledge how or why.
It may turn many corners.
It changes every verse.
The song always gets better
Even if it may sound worse.
Some songs will stop too suddenly
And some go on too long.
Since we don’t know what we’re singing
Why care if something’s wrong?
You can sing however’s comfortable.
When all is said and sung
I hope I’m singing nonsense
‘Til I get my iron lung!
Plot Armor, Reality Edition (50% Off)
Wheresoever you should find
Yourself in trouble or a bind
Know that you will never fail
As the protagonist of your own tale.
The path of bullets shall amend
To prevent your untimely end.
Villains shall, when all is done,
See your point when you have won.
Love will find you in the dark.
Respect replaces scorn and snark.
And if instead you fail and fall…
No one minds, ’cause you weren’t the main character after all.
Filed under Poems
Here’s Your Gift From Me :-)
‘Twas finally Christmas
And all over the place
Were lots of much better poems
So I’ll get out of your face.
Filed under Poems
Happy Memories and Family…ish
Snow and presents,
Carols, nostalgia.
Yes, ’tis the season
And that’s why I called ‘ya.
We had a great year.
Yeah, the kids are alright.
I’m glad you’re my family.
Call you next year. Good night.
Filed under Poems
Unintended Consequences
‘Twas two days before Christmas
And filling the sky
Were Amazon.com drones
Sent by those who clicked “buy.”
The children looked up
And they felt the lie slipping.
Parents said “Santa outsourced
“To get next day shipping.”
The children relaxed,
Curiosity sated
And went to their rooms
And for Christmas eve waited.
Meanwhile in Alaska
Somewhere near North Pole
Rudolph stood in line
To get on the state’s dole,
To collect unemployment
For now he could see
That his job, thanks to robots,
Had gone down in history.
Filed under Poems
On The Importance Of Proper Labeling
I hear the sound of fallen snow
Like the moment before applause,
The echo of previous silence,
A silent question’s pause.
My ears softly ring
From what’s no longer there.
And I silently sigh inside myself
And lie back in my chair.
Where once I was an emperor,
A man respected, feared,
For whom the wicked trembled
And for whom the righteous cheered,
Now I sit, a man alone,
Completed in rebirth.
In the silence now I tell myself
“I thought the other button nuked the Earth!”
Filed under Poems
The Rebuke of Sgt. Stayalive
Bring thy swords and don thy mail.
Ensure your steed is fed.
We’ll ride before the morning
And may never go to bed.
Bestill the fear within your hearts
Though the menace so approacheth.
If thou disobey these things
Then thou we will reproacheth.
Our phalanx must stand in unity.
Our legion must conglomerate.
Your questioning, if it should show,
Brings nothing but drama ‘r hate.
We ride! We ride to battle!
To death and glorious war!
And it doesn’t help morale if you
Keep asking “but what for?”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 