I said I was her rock,
Her anchor, her wall.
She sold me to a mining company.
Alas, that is all.
Category Archives: Poems
The History Of Feminism
Once there was an open sky,
Then the humans came on by.
They said “freedoms a pain in the ass,”
And thus were born kings and the ceiling of glass.
This order remained for centuries
Until the women said “ah jeez.”
They got mad and up they spoke
Until, at last, the ceiling broke.
Somewhere then along the line
When everything was going fine
The newly freed hankered for more
And so they made a new glass floor.
They made the men upon it stand
While together chicks did band
And told the men “call us lovely and dear
“And say we’re perfect, BUT BE SINCERE!”
And so the men did as they were tasked
And said the things the women asked,
But alas, that wasn’t good enough.
And so was born the third-wave stuff.
And now the men stand on a cracked glass floor.
One misstep and they’ll step no more.
This poem’s moral must be stressed:
Women are still the ones oppressed.
Toto, We’re Not In Texas Anymore
Well the Honky-Tonks in Portland
Are heaven’s gift to me.
They’ll pour you out a microbrew
Called “stop animal cruelty.”
The bartender’s named “Yoga Matt.”
The piano man plays celeste.
Well, no, it’s not quite Texas
But Portland-Tonk’s the best.
They’ll serve you soymilk eggnog
Or an extra strong chai tea.
You can get your whiskey straight
Or LGQBT.
You can dance all night to new classics,
Maybe find yourself a dame.
It might be a guy but you don’t mind
‘Cause they all dress the same.
You needn’t fear a gunfight
‘Cause they’re gun-free zones.
If someone micro-aggresses you
You just tweet it and go home.
So come next Friday evening
You can braid your hair and beard
And come on down to Portland.
They’re non-gender-specific kings of weird!
Filed under Poems
American Cuisine And Its Correlation To GDP
They said in school that GDP
(Or Gross Domestic Product)
Was a measure of economic power.
But this makes more sense to me
(For Gross Domestic Product).
Please excuse me as I go take a shower.
Filed under Poems
Haven’t Done One Of These For A While…
All that glimmers
Is not blue.
It isn’t helpful
But its true.
Yes I’m tired;
You were right.
You are welcome,
And good night.
Filed under Poems
The Truly Special Snowflake
I’m walking through the winter sky,
A bit if H2O,
Uniquely changed by hardship to
A tiny flake of snow.
My life is but a moment long,
But soft and cool and free.
My heart will always be cold as ice
So yours won’t have to be.
The mighty citadels of clouds
Are signs of what I was,
But I don’t mind departing, for
It’s what a snowflake does
So a kid at the windowsill
Will see me, clear and bright
And now that for a while still
The world will be alright.
Filed under Poems
Egomaniacs Have Pronouns Too!
If you don’t want to hear
Someone say “him” or “her”
I’ll be okay
And I’ll probably say “sure.”
But why won’t you respect
My wishes when I
Ask to be referred to
As “thee most glorious and high?”
Filed under Poems
Gridiron
Gray steam rises from the sod
Obscuring the outlines
Of eleven men who would be God
If their teammates become so first.
The sky is darkness no one sees
Behind the lightning wall.
The crowd is warm despite the breeze
And bravado shields a heart’s true thirst.
A coin is flipped, a ball is thrown,
And bodies slowly shatter,
A ring is forever. A broken bone?
A pittance to the undying.
And so they fight, part man, part boy
So does decay commence.
They’ll either bottle tears of joy.
Or else just end up crying.
Here we see the warriors die,
Although they call it play,
Our voice is one great battle cry
To lend the few our will.
No longer are our swords so deft,
But fantasy’s alive.
Long ago the dragons left,
But here there’s magic still.
Filed under Poems
Last Time I’ll Use Tinder! (AKA Morning Head)
This morning I woke up in Heaven
In my bed at 10:43.
The sun glowed gold. I smiled
And your face smiled back at me.
The coffee and breakfast was ready
With a whole day to spend with my queen.
I looked back at your face and realized
Your body was nowhere to be seen.
Turns out to awaken in Heaven
Is not always as nice as it seems,
Or so I discovered when angels
Began to harmonize songs with my screams.
As I woke back on Earth to the thunder
All pale, sweaty, cold, and alone
I realized Heaven’s got its downsides
And sometimes there’s no place like home.
Filed under Poems
Shouldn’t We Be Celebrating Veteran’s Day By Now?
On the first day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
A holiday that lasted less than two months
That I didn’t have to hear or see.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 