This month we will experience
The NFL’s preseason
In which millionaires hit each other
Deapite the lack of any reason,
And we the fans will cheer
To kick our team’s rival’s posterior
Because we can’t play ourselves
Since we’re genetically inferior.
We’ll sit and eat and fart a bit
And somehow manage to sweat.
At the end half of us will sob
While half say “best preseason yet!”
Then we picture our team’s victory
And order larger pants
With the logo of some other team
That actually has a chance.
Filed under Poems
Cheerful monotone lawnmower
Murdering grass.
Doesn’t care about the Joneses.
Doesn’t kiss anyone’s ass.
Even when it’s rainy and gray
It lacks the ability to feel blue.
Why couldn’t I have been born
A gas-powered rotary blade too?
Filed under Poems
I want to talk about the months
And where their names came from.
Please know all of these are true
Even if they sound dumb.
Jan and Ferb Uary
Were brothers who shared a belle.
Jan got mad and misspelled Ferb’s name
But it all ended up pretty well.
March is based on Mcdonald’s logo.
April was the belle Jan and Ferb liked.
May is a grammatically better version of “can.”
June’s the month that nobody liked.
July was Julie, but was sad about Ferb
And got misspelled too ’cause she was so stressed.
August was named by a Texan who
In his accent said the words “I guessed.”
September was God’s gift to calendar’s everywhere.
October was named by someone who thought Ctober was lame.
Nov and Dec Ember were also brothers
But are last in the year ’cause they both had a stupid name.
I hope you feel more knowledgable
About months, but you probably don’t.
I hope you share this with your friends
But if you’re a smart person you probably won’t.
Filed under Poems
Everyday I seek to write
A really lousy poem
Where life is hard and then the good guys lose,
But today I can be lazy
And write this poem instead
‘Cause my narrative is just Virginia’s news.
Filed under Poems
Thirty-seven dollars in nickels
Rolled into neat little stacks:
I’ll use them to buy some dill pickles
To eat for my mid-morning snacks.
I’ve got a compulsion to do this,
Though no logic yet as to why.
Perhaps I just want the grocers
To think of me as “that guy.”
Filed under Poems
Why must titans always clash?
Why can’t they just get along?
Titans could have tea and cake.
What about that is so wrong?
Why must titans always fight?
There’s other things for them to do
Like fly a pretty titan kite,
Play titan games, or make a stew.
If you’re a titan reading this
En route to your next clashing spot
Please know that you are not defined
By your ability to crush a big robot.
And if you’re a non-titan bloke
Just casually reading ’cause you’re bored
Don’t try to unclash titans too
‘Cause most likely you’ll just be ignored.
Filed under Poems
You can’t mock someone ’cause they’re fat,
Ugly, stupid, stuff like that.
You can’t make jokes about a race
(At least not to somebody’s face).
You can’t gay-bash, slut-shame, or mock
The way one laughs or thinks or talks.
But you can defame or spew hate at
Those with neckbeards or a fedora hat.
Filed under Poems
I don’t want to be a gastroenterologist.
As a career I vehemently denounce it,
But should fate make me a gastroenterologist
I guess at least I’d learn how to pronounce it.
Filed under Poems
This evening we sit
In memory of
A weekend that
We came to love.
‘Twas two days long,
Five days too short.
Why’s there no satisfying
Single player sport?
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 