If you’ve always dreamed of fame
But the dream never came to fruition
I have a helpful tidbit
From yours truly’s intuition:
Drink a bunch of chemicals
Then pretend you have the flu
And with any luck some doctor
Will name a condition after you!
Tag Archives: Mistakes
And With That Hair I’m Destined For National Leadership
If I were a Pokemon
I’d want to be Crabominable
Because no one would enslave me
And fight in a manner intolerable.
Yes, ugliness has benefits
When avoiding death is your aim.
And for you ’90s kids who say its fake:
You should play a more recent game.
Filed under Poems
Without My Mom You’d Still Be Pretending To Like Robert Frost
Today we thank our mothers,
The reason we’re alive,
The commuter jets of fetuses
That ensured to life we’d arrive.
And after our delivery
Their labors didn’t stop;
Our every cry reminded them
Of a long-ago hop-on-Pop.
They spent many sleepless hours
Changing diapers, wiping tears,
Just for us to becomes teenagers
All full of angst and sneers.
But two moms we thank today
Whose children are divine.
One is the virgin Mary
And the other mom is mine.
Filed under Poems
Wherefore Doth The Pasta Descend?
With a great clatter
Falleth my platter
And on a great customer
Its contents do splatter.
And garments once gossamer,
Linen, and lace
Was not made awesomer
But red like my face.
Or Just Misspell A Biblical Name
I see little boys and girls
With very unique names
Like Cadence, Weston, Apple, Peityn,
Lembas, Crêpe, and Flames.
Now if your name is “Flames” you’re fine,
But “Crookshanks…” not so much.
So here are some modern names
I think are better much:
Verity, Sanity, Clamperl, Spore,
Visigoth, Boromir, Wikstrom, Implore,
Magnitude, Honeydunce, Kraftool, Parade.
Name your kid one of these and they’ll have it made!
Filed under Poems
Live and Learn
Your face in my vision
With such precision,
A sight I’ll never forget;
How your eyes met mine
At 12:09…
The feeling’s not left me yet.
I realized two truths
That night in Duluth
As to your house we started walking:
The telescope seller was good,
I fall when hit by a block of wood,
And legally my actions could be called “stalking.”
Filed under Poems
And Who’s This Floyd Guy Anyway?
We could talk about the ego,
Super-ego, or the id
But I don’t think that does justice
To the amazing things Freud did.
Anyone can acknowledge
That people’s brains are weird,
Have a couch to lie on,
Or grow a snazzy beard,
But how many psychiatrists
Can also play guitar
Like Dr. Sigmund “Pink” Freud did?
That guy was quite a star!
Filed under Poems
On The Importance Of Proper Labeling
I hear the sound of fallen snow
Like the moment before applause,
The echo of previous silence,
A silent question’s pause.
My ears softly ring
From what’s no longer there.
And I silently sigh inside myself
And lie back in my chair.
Where once I was an emperor,
A man respected, feared,
For whom the wicked trembled
And for whom the righteous cheered,
Now I sit, a man alone,
Completed in rebirth.
In the silence now I tell myself
“I thought the other button nuked the Earth!”
Filed under Poems
Dating A 30-Year-Old
You ask will I love you
When you’re not a young lass,
When your hair’s gray and saggy
And so is your ass,
When the passion is gone
And the money is thin
And everything hurts
‘Neath our wrinkly skin.
Our hands come together
And I look straight at you.
“Of course I will darling!
“I already do.”
Filed under Poems
Wherein A First-Time Internet Dater Realizes Honesty Is Overrated
I have no ambition,
Motivation, manly vigor.
I have very little money
And just three inches down there.
I wish I were more macho,
Richer, smarter, or just bigger
But your ad said if I’m honest
Then you really couldn’t care.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 