If you’ve always dreamed of fame
But the dream never came to fruition
I have a helpful tidbit
From yours truly’s intuition:
Drink a bunch of chemicals
Then pretend you have the flu
And with any luck some doctor
Will name a condition after you!
Tag Archives: poems
BTW I’m Not Jewish
She lay beside me
Still in her white dress.
My mouth was alight in her taste.
Her skin was like russet.
Her body was slender
From tip-to-tip, straight in the waist.
She was my fantasy,
Food on my table,
Sustaining me all through the day.
So although it is weird
To put a dress on bacon
I do it ’cause she is my bae.
Filed under Poems
Why Men Pray
When a woman tells you yes
She means it could be so
Unless she’s getting dressed…
Then it definitely means no.
And if a woman tells you no
It is a no, no questions asked
Except when she wants you to be bad
Or do what you have not been tasked.
But the scariest thing you’ll ever
Hear a woman say
Is when she smiles and seems alright
And tells you “I’m OK.”
Filed under Poems
National Geographic Vs. HBO
I hear the pitter-patter
Of the children’s tiny feet,
See them playing in the forest
Despite the sultry August heat.
They run and sing so happily.
They live without a care.
They’ll fill my belly nicely
‘Cause %^*# you, I’m a bear.
Filed under Poems
Walking On Eggshells
Humpty Dumpty leapt from a wall
HD was determined to just end it all.
Later on on a talk show
Some Hollywood actor
Said being named “Humpty” may have just been a factor.
Filed under Poems
The Fact That I Think This Is Hilarious Is Also Hilarious… Or Is That Just Me?
If I were Chinese and Italian
My name would be Ho D’Addario.
I’d feel happy in my rural home
(But probably concealed carry though).
And one day I would know
My life was going well
When folks’d say “Hi Ho D’Addario!
“The farmer’s in the dell!”
Filed under Poems
Without My Mom You’d Still Be Pretending To Like Robert Frost
Today we thank our mothers,
The reason we’re alive,
The commuter jets of fetuses
That ensured to life we’d arrive.
And after our delivery
Their labors didn’t stop;
Our every cry reminded them
Of a long-ago hop-on-Pop.
They spent many sleepless hours
Changing diapers, wiping tears,
Just for us to becomes teenagers
All full of angst and sneers.
But two moms we thank today
Whose children are divine.
One is the virgin Mary
And the other mom is mine.
Filed under Poems
Misleading Titles (Also Pure Fiction Except Lines 4, 7, and 8)
I sit here at the bus stop
Reading Fifty Shades of Grey
(Which I got at the library
‘Cause for that crap I won’t pay)
And as I skim from the intro
Until the final line
I see one quite clear shade
But where’s the other forty-nine?
Filed under Poems
Social Norms: A Disney Musical (Yes, This Is Irony)
Keep it in, keep it in.
Just keep it bottled up
And let no petty feelings
Fall in your proverbial cup.
Don’t be tempted by expression
And ignore that will to live
‘Cause money’s what you want
And money’s all we have to give.
So keep it in, keep it in.
Keep it tucked away inside.
Joyful outbursts and sad moments
Neither one should you abide.
All those swirly bits of feeling
That bounce around your head
Are horrors from the outside world.
Just watch TV instead!
Keep it in, keep it in
Because peace takes too much work
And if you are emotional
People might think you’re a jerk,
So take a swig, a puff, a pill,
A needle in your vein
So you can keep it in some more
And stop feeling the pain.
The Daily Travesty 