She was a Sagittarius
Who played a Stradivarius.
I was a Virgo
Who played the trombone.
She spent her days
Reading music and plays
While I played Tetris
Beside my pet stone.
She was a sommelier,
Who perused cassoulet
And to whom piquant tinctures
Were je ne sais quois.
But down by the lake
I jumped out of her cake
And I’m pretty certain
That she noticed moi.
Filed under Poems
Sometimes a thought
Is not what it ought,
A fact that, alas, you can’t change.
But type it in bold
And voila! Behold
It’s still pointless, but I had you going for a while.
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I’m flummoxed to fathom
The bourgeois congregation
That congeals in Times Square
For the New Year’s celebration
While I would reconnoiter
To avoid such a populous crew.
If you’re a sympathetic introvert
You likely share my view.
Whilst others massed in public
I hibernated at chez moi.
It was an evening of simplicity
And I needn’t venture fa’.
And as I awoke this morning
A eureka I did hear.
Hence I’ve vowed to simplify
My vocabulary this year.
Filed under Poems
We could talk about the ego,
Super-ego, or the id
But I don’t think that does justice
To the amazing things Freud did.
Anyone can acknowledge
That people’s brains are weird,
Have a couch to lie on,
Or grow a snazzy beard,
But how many psychiatrists
Can also play guitar
Like Dr. Sigmund “Pink” Freud did?
That guy was quite a star!
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Whoever invented the word “tickle”
Made a fatal flaw.
They should have called it “squirch,”
‘Cause that’s how it feels to moi.
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Wheresoever you should find
Yourself in trouble or a bind
Know that you will never fail
As the protagonist of your own tale.
The path of bullets shall amend
To prevent your untimely end.
Villains shall, when all is done,
See your point when you have won.
Love will find you in the dark.
Respect replaces scorn and snark.
And if instead you fail and fall…
No one minds, ’cause you weren’t the main character after all.
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I hear the sound of fallen snow
Like the moment before applause,
The echo of previous silence,
A silent question’s pause.
My ears softly ring
From what’s no longer there.
And I silently sigh inside myself
And lie back in my chair.
Where once I was an emperor,
A man respected, feared,
For whom the wicked trembled
And for whom the righteous cheered,
Now I sit, a man alone,
Completed in rebirth.
In the silence now I tell myself
“I thought the other button nuked the Earth!”
Filed under Poems
Once there was an open sky,
Then the humans came on by.
They said “freedoms a pain in the ass,”
And thus were born kings and the ceiling of glass.
This order remained for centuries
Until the women said “ah jeez.”
They got mad and up they spoke
Until, at last, the ceiling broke.
Somewhere then along the line
When everything was going fine
The newly freed hankered for more
And so they made a new glass floor.
They made the men upon it stand
While together chicks did band
And told the men “call us lovely and dear
“And say we’re perfect, BUT BE SINCERE!”
And so the men did as they were tasked
And said the things the women asked,
But alas, that wasn’t good enough.
And so was born the third-wave stuff.
And now the men stand on a cracked glass floor.
One misstep and they’ll step no more.
This poem’s moral must be stressed:
Women are still the ones oppressed.
They said in school that GDP
(Or Gross Domestic Product)
Was a measure of economic power.
But this makes more sense to me
(For Gross Domestic Product).
Please excuse me as I go take a shower.
Filed under Poems
This morning I woke up in Heaven
In my bed at 10:43.
The sun glowed gold. I smiled
And your face smiled back at me.
The coffee and breakfast was ready
With a whole day to spend with my queen.
I looked back at your face and realized
Your body was nowhere to be seen.
Turns out to awaken in Heaven
Is not always as nice as it seems,
Or so I discovered when angels
Began to harmonize songs with my screams.
As I woke back on Earth to the thunder
All pale, sweaty, cold, and alone
I realized Heaven’s got its downsides
And sometimes there’s no place like home.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 