If you took the Bible
And replaced the words “Mommy, look!”
With “I like to eat babies”
You’d have the very same book.
The same can be said for “Croissant,”
And “Wherefore art thou Juliet.”
I find it quite surprising
No one’s written a thesis on this yet.
Filed under Poems
I want a sandwich
With clams, beets, and garlic
Sprinkled with liver and thyme
Topped with two scoops
Of pistachio ice cream
And the zest of a two-week-old lime
All smeared on a loaf
Of gluten-free flatbread
Served on a hard rubber plate.
You get it when you order
A nice BLT.
I call it “The Internet Date.”
Filed under Poems
H is for “Hey hot stuff!”
E is for “Eek! Sorry mom.”
Y is for “Yikes.”
Filed under Poems
I once saw a lass dressed in lace
Who had the most beautiful face.
I said “please don’t hate
“But my name’s Windows 8.”
Then I asked “Can I crash at your place?”
As Dumbledore once said
When called upon to speak:
“I have a few words to say:
“Nitwit, blubber, oddment, tweak.”
These words describe my mental state
It’s been that sort of week.
Filed under Poems
It’s an age of all-female remakes
Like Ghost Busters and Oceans 8.
My faithful readers probably think
This is a trend I’d hate.
Instead I think the opposite;
It’s something I’m totally for
And here are some beloved movies
To remake if they make more:
How about “The Godmother?”
“Lady of the Rings?”
“The Good, the Less Good, and the Strong Independent Woman
“Concerned Less With Appearance Than Other Things?”
How ’bout all-female “Fight Club”
Or “Saving Private Ryan?”
How about a “Hacksaw Ridge”
That no one has to die in?
I jest, I jest (At least I hope).
But I pray that in 2019
The all-female “300” reboot
Hits the Imax screen.
Filed under Poems
If I were a vampire,
Unfazed by passing time
I’d find a cure for cancer
And think of a less obvious rhyme.
I’d write the greatest music
The world would ever hear.
I’d usher in an age of peace
And put an end to fear.
I’d find a cure for bloodlust
(My own and others too)
And take vitamin D pills
So lack of sunlight wouldn’t make me feel blue.
But, alas, those people
Who became immortal blood-diners
Used it to go to high school for 300 years,
Play baseball, and seduce minors.
Filed under Poems
Eye halve know aye Dia
Howe thoughs hoo dew knot no
How-to spellin’ English
Kant fig your it out, sew
Threw this Han dee poem
I salve Mai own dill Emma.
Hi expect, inn learning spannish
Their Will bee Noooooo! problema.
Filed under Poems
