I know how to love my neighbor.
I know how to win a fight.
I know how to hold my ground
And not back down from what is right.
I know how to give a speech
And how to help a friend in need.
I know how to make love grow
From what was but a tiny seed.
I know how to be myself.
I know how one’s heart forgives.
I know how to stoke the fire
Which in my soul forever lives.
I know how to have no fear
And hold myself in high regard.
The only problem I can see
Is everything I know is hard.
Filed under Poems
In this world of cats and dogs,
Of black and white, of bricks and logs,
It seems it nature’s choice we trust
The things which most resemble us,
Because of nature or our minds,
We oft call “evil” other kinds
Of creatures, colors, or supplies;
To do this I don’t think is wise.
If dogs chase cats or cats scratch dogs,
If we stack bricks or burn some logs
We do these things not out of spite
But merely ’cause it feels right.
So are we, by our nature, wrong
To do as we’ve done all along
Merely since a precious few
Feel malice as these things they do?
Shall we, must we, can we insist
That the building and the chase desist?
Are we all not good human beings
But, one and all, [Insert here]-ist fiends?
I like to think what harm we do
Is in pursuit of what is true,
And if we don’t find verity
We fail with true sincerity.
Impose not evil on the Earth
For no more than being given birth
And if another’s sin you see
Know the sinner is human like you and me.
Perhaps through this we’ll forget war,
We’ll never suffer anymore.
More likely we’ll still scratch and bite
But, mindfully, still smile despite.
Filed under Poems
I asked how she was feeling
And she said “Around 90%.”
That’s when I said
“If you were an iPhone you’d be dead,”
And that’s how my Wednesday went.
Filed under Poems
1. And the Lord said: Thou shalt shower
2. And when thou have finished with the shower thou shall dry your face and balls
3. And shall dry thine face first, but sometimes have to dry it again after the balls
4. But fear not, for the Towel has a short memory
5. And where once thine genitals were dried, the spot shall be made clean
6. And the next morning the towel shall be refreshed, as if untouched the day prior.
7. And shouldst thou be aroused at any time
8. Thou shall hang the towel upon the “ready servant” and rejoice in your manliness
8. But thou shall not speak of this ritual to women,
9. ‘Cause bro, why wouldst thou?
The word of the Lord
Filed under Poems
I used to be wealthy, handsome, and brave.
I used to be known as whom all women crave.
I used to be humble, witty, and wise
But then I stopped speaking in nothing but lies.
Filed under Poems
If you’re tired of Trump
Then make the jump
To sunny Venezuela!
There you can shirk
And do no work
And the socialist state will pay ya!
You’ll save so much money
It isn’t funny
‘Cause there’s nothing for sale to buy
So if you bite your thumb
‘Cause there’s no food to bum
You can tell South America “hi.”
Filed under Poems
You start out with a robot
That’s been made with CGI
Who says one beer is best
With no compelling reason why.
Next you strip the advertisement
Of anything resembling humor
So you don’t provoke the many
With an “I’m Offended” tumor.
Then say “We love social justice
“So you should buy our calamari”
With the sincerity of a five-year-old
When they’re forced to say “I’m sorry.”
The result’s an advertisement
To appeal to a mob
That hates all corporations
But still needs them for their job.
I hope next year’s Sportsball expo
Doesn’t try to be so “woke”
And the 2020 vegans
Are prepared to take a joke.
Filed under Poems
As Booth did to Lincoln
And school did to fun
I fear that to music
Will quite soon be done.
If you flip the radio
(Or whichever app’s in now)
You’ll find to enunciate
Is practically sin now.
To play any chords
Besides 1, 5, 6, and 4
Makes the average listener
Call such songs a snore
And no matter the genre
You will find bits of rap.
Yes I fear that all music
Will soon become crap.
Is there a solution
To pop music’s decline?
If so, leave a comment.
If not, I’ll just whine.
Filed under Poems
When you say 2001
Some say “A space odyssey,”
Some say “September 11th,”
Some say “The year of the first Shrek movie.”
One of those subgroups
Is precious to me.
Filed under Poems
I hold your hand and count to ten
On fingers, yours and mine.
I see the ring I’ll give to you
And how the gold will shine.
I see the satin dress you’ll wear,
Your lacy veil of white
And how our lives will be complete
After our wedding night.
I smell our families’ tears of joy
And hear the words we’ll say
To merge two hearts eternally
On one momentous day.
I feel the fire in my heart,
How yours must burn the same,
I ask you now to you marry me!
Oh, also, what’s your name?
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 