Today we give thanks
For what makes us happy:
A person, a memory, a song…
If you ain’t got nothing
For which to be thankful
Be thankful this poem ain’t long.
Category Archives: Poems
Thanks New World Order!
This year they started teaching kids
As young as five-years-old
That gender is whatever you choose
And not just what you’re told.
To celebrate this progress
In sex-ed for the prepubescent
I thought of a list of titles
For children’s books in this age present:
“Everybody Fucks,” for one;
Or “When the President Sniffs Your Hair”;
“The Very Hungry Pedophile”;
Or the two-papa Berenstain Bears.
“When Daddy Says ‘Call Me Mommy’”;
“The Fantastic Gyration Sensation”;
And a favorite of drag queen story hour:
“A is for Autoerotic Asphyxiation.”
Maybe you don’t feel comfortable
Putting porn in your preschooler’s head?
Don’t worry! For kids who are too young
We’ll teach them they’re racists instead!
Filed under Poems
If Background Characters Mattered: Star Wars Edition
Of all the films that ever ended
Then were released in versions extended
The biggest scene these films still lack
Is the pivotal part in “The Empire Strikes Back”
Where Steve, the Bespin cleaning guy
Who fixes the vents of the city in the sky
Sees a disembodied hand somewhere
And decides “Eh, whatever. I don’t care.”
Moments later Steve just laughed
When he saw Luke fall down the bottomless shaft
Then picked up his check from Mr. Vader
And went back home to his giant crater.
Filed under Poems
By Reading This Limerick You May Or May Not Open A Parallel Universe
There once was a cat of Schrodinger
Who wanted to give science the finger.
He said “I will stay
“And also walk away.”
Thus he simultaneously did and did not linger.
Filed under Poems
OMG Dad, Why Can’t You Understand Vulture Is A Student Of The World?
Their wonce was amen from Bolder
Hoo new mai dotter end tolled hurr
“Eye a door ewe, Amanda
“‘Cause u un-derstanneduh
“Spelling sin the I of de beholdre.”
Filed under Poems
Bad News: I’m Banned From Amazon.com… Good News: My Phone Is Waterproof, And Blood Is Thicker Than Water
A friend texted me the word “Nose”
Then: “I wrote the word nose with my nose.”
A second friend texted “Toes”
And I think you see where this eventually goes…
They wrote “Penis”, “Dolphin”, “Rose”
And I knew it was hard to one-up those
Thus my search for “The blood of America’s foes:
“Enough to fill a fireman’s hose.”
Filed under Poems
“Andrew’s Shirtless Chest Glistened Under The Golden Sun. He Placed His Hands On My…” Crap… That’s The Summit
I kept climbing mountains
Even after I went blind.
Sure, the view was nothing much
But now instead I find
The mountain tells me stories
That I can read in braille.
Sure, they can be predictable
But they have such great detail!
Filed under Poems
The Heart Of Man
Sometimes when you look at me
Wide-eyed, uncertain,
The endless doubt and weariness fade
And I hold your hand softly
And kiss you gently;
My whole ego becomes weightless
And I know that I have you
And I don’t deserve you
And I would die a thousand times
To be with you just an hour more.
Sometimes when you look at me
Silently, deeply,
I know exactly how your heart
Is full of warm Summer breezes
And hibernating mammals
Warm in each others’ embrace
Beneath a cold, uncaring world.
Sometimes when you look at me
Gently, longingly,
I wonder how on earth
A stacked team like Rams
Can lose to the freakin’ 49ers in primetime;
Then I try to look at your tits
Without you noticing.
I can’t.
This is what it means to be a man.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 