Category Archives: Poems

Prelude to Sporking, If Ya Know What I Mean…

I’m not the kind to boast too much

But I attract those of feminine form.

I now propose a toast to such

In the hope such becomes the new norm.

There’ve been times in my past when companions are sparse,

Even times when there haven’t been any

But if one commits some subtle financial farce

A billfold makes none into many.

Never before have I seen such excitement

Or felt less akin to a dunce

When they paid for my patented eating utensil

Which is fork and spoon both, but at once!

Thus is my secret to wooing the broads.

Whoever would even have thought

That inventing the spork would improve my odds

Of females considering me hot?

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Short Story Long…

Yesterday, I swore

To put in the work,

In no effort fail

And in no duty shirk,

With hopes that what came

Would be “awesome and clever.”

I fulfill that promise

This evening. However…

I spent the afternoon

Teaching and gaming

Then followed that up

With some Pokemon taming.

Now with just 32

Minutes to go

‘Til what is today

Becomes what’s tomorrow

I write out this poem

With many a rhyme

So that reading it all

Will take you a long time,

The idea being

If you must work hard

You’ll think me more effortful

And, thus, a good bard.

And if you stopped reading

Before that confession,

Having been turned off

By your own first impression

Or else by the length

Of the stuff with no point

Then you, with the title

Of “dude,” I anoint.

Alas, as I wrap up

These meaningless stanzas,

The latest of many

Poem-stravaganzas

I shed but one tear

For the non-finishers who’d

Feel so happy knowing

I’d anointed them “dude.”

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So… Status Quo Then?

Tomorrow it shall be

My sincerest endeavor

To compose some light verse

That’s both awesome and clever.

Tonight my endeavor’s

To not lose my clout

While I promise you good stuff

That’s yet to come out.

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This Poem Reflects Their Work Ethic

If you want the very best

Be a fan of the New York Jets.

That rhyme didn’t work quite right

And neither do they.

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This Is What Happens When You Don’t Click “Like”

I’ve worked hard the past few days

But this is not my work that pays

And thus I write one stanza here.

Go read the stuff I wrote last year.

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An Excerpt From Disney’s Cancelled Musical, “Beelzebabe”

I awake to a nightmare. The heat is infernal

Here in the land of damnation eternal

Where I was born, and where I can never die.

My homework is done, my chores are complete,

My collar is starched, and my bedroom is neat,

And yet there’s my dad giving me the evil eye.

I’d like to have breakfast in silence,

But the demons are having a feast

On faith, hope, and love… oh, and entrails…

Here in the domain of the beast!

I’m just a kid! I did nothing bad!

I’m just down here all because of my dad!

Eternal strife’s just a day in the life

Of Stan, Satan’s son.

When people sin or they touch themselves

They end up here, or so says the Bible.

I have done neither and yet somehow here I must stay?

I never knew who my mother was.

Who would make love to the Prince of Hatred?

For all I know Lucifer might just maybe be gay?

I’m born of spite, empty of light,

Nine layers deep and yet still I do right?

Why is this glee deep within me,

Stan, Satan’s Son?

I am the precocious instead of atrocious.

I always say “thank you” and “please.”

I can’t help but bother my nefarious father,

Who you call Mephistopheles.

Up in the sky, when the blood clouds part,

I feel in my decomposed heart a leaping,

Picturing worlds with fresh air, vegans, even romance.

Then I’ll go early to torment school,

Pausing to clean up a pool of lava

Hiding in alleys to sing hymns and, sometimes, to dance.

It’s been a while since I saw a smile.

It has been eons since I’ve had fun.

Why’s this my fate? Why can’t I just hate?

Love,

Stan

Satan’s Son

P.S. If you’re in Hell

Be like me: Rebel.

(Organ plays “dun dun DUN!)

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A Poem for Folks Who Specify Their Pronouns

Roses are violet

And violets are rose.

That’s what they said,

So I guess that’s what goes?

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What’s In A Nest?

Let me show you my nest,

The place I rest my head,

Full of feathers and down,

The protection we shed.

We’ll regrow them in time.

They adorn my haven,

Nothing but sticks and mud

And a home for a raven.

My nest’s in a tree.

The tree’s made by rain.

Rain makes my wings heavy

And makes flying pain.

If the sun comes around

And then refuses to set

I’ll have no tree or nest,

So I pray to be wet.

Bugs and worms fill me up

So I may keep eggs warm

So my nest will be full

With a small raven swarm

Who complain of the rain

And fear losing a feather

And I don’t mind their kind

And I treasure “together.”

Soon they’ll be showing

A tree with their nest

And “together” is gone

And it’s all for the best.

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To Infinity… And Beyond

Here’s the latest quandary

That kept me up all night:

I thought I was bad at self-evaluation

And it turns out I was right…

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American Political Redux

Trumpty Dumpty built us a wall.

Trumpty Dumpty polled well in the Fall,

But an army of lawyers, Fox News, and white horses

Couldn’t stop CNN and “Anonymous Sources.”

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