With a great clatter
Falleth my platter
And on a great customer
Its contents do splatter.
And garments once gossamer,
Linen, and lace
Was not made awesomer
But red like my face.
Category Archives: Poems
A Feminist Unicorn
She is a shining unicorn
Cloaked in righteous fire.
To her all that’s unequal
Is an injustice dire.
A gynocentric unity
Is all she needs for bliss
And society might like her
If she didn’t look like this:
Filed under Poems
I Guess The Un-Levered Few Don’t Reproduce As Much
Somewhere around the first year ever
Somebody pulled a very wrong lever
And installed in the heads of the humans to come
What, on paper, looks brilliant but is really just dumb.
When man 1.0 emerged from the ocean
At the dawn of all time he was filled with the notion
That life as he knew it as far as he could see
Was something to be taken seriously
And a serious life, as he deemed at that time
Was to have the most wealth in the light of the lime.
So man 1.0 went on to fight wars,
To invent Gods and whiskey and sliding glass doors
Each sincerely believing his life was endowed
By something that made his life special somehow.
And meanwhile the malfunctions who wanted no power
Would sleep in on Sunday and sing in the shower
And wholeheartedly laugh at the hard-working host
Knowing he who wants least will end up with the most.
And so it continues by chance or by fate
That despite each progressive human update
The lever once thrown has not yet been undone
Thus why so many people have so little fun.
The Best Classical Music Parody You Have To Sing Yourself (Guaranteed Orgasm In 45 Seconds)
People say that music
Is the worst it’s ever been.
I disagree because of one song
Written by Herr Beethoven.
If you take his fifth symphony
(That goes Da-da-da duuuuuuuh)
And simply give it the lyrics
“Oh baby yeah, oh baby uhhh!”
It becomes a pop hit
To match the best today.
Here’s a link to prove it.
You’re welcome, by the way.
Helpful hint: Just sing those two lyrics with the melody for about twenty seconds and you’ll get the intended effect.
Filed under Poems
The Extent Of My Megalomania (Which Is Also A Good Name For A Country)
If I had my own country…
Let’s call it Placelandia…
I know exactly
The flag I’d want.
It would be all white
But with black letters
That said “Placelandia”
In the biggest possible font.
I think Placelandia
Would be kinda okay
And help elementary school kids
Get, in geography, an A.
Filed under Poems
But Then People Won’t Think Everything In My Life Is Perfect And Be Indifferent/Slightly Insecure About The Whole Thing!
There’s something to be said
For chatting without snap,
Books without face,
Interacting without that crap…
Gramming that’s not instant,
Interests that aren’t pins,
Singing without tweeting.
Real friends don’t need log-ins.
I think our society’s forgotten
The value of offline truth
So why not forget your password
And go enjoy your youth?
Filed under Poems
Why The Chihuahua Doesn’t To Come In My Room Anymore
I’m burning photographs
Of someone that I loved,
Watching ashes dance
From earth to what’s above
And wondering silently
On how it could have been.
Is unwillingness to forgive
Lack of virtue or actual sin?
I hold his body in my arms…
What’s left of it at least.
Who knew that to a warrior
A simple dog was such a beast?
But now I am alone again
My mind already set
On how I can replace
My unopened* limited-edition Boba Fett.
*Previously unopened… 😭
Filed under Poems
It’s Not Easy Being Anakin
Back when we were younger
I saw you on the sand.
I asked “are you an angel?”
Though I wasn’t yet a man.
Then I left my family
And the only home I knew
To be the kind of wizard
Who deserved a queen like you.
My world with you seemed softer,
Not like sand that’s rough and coarse,
Your presence a temptation
Like the dark side of the force.
I wanted an eternal life
With you, my precious star,
But alas instead of in my heart
I looked for it on Mustafar.
There I had an accident
Involving lava splatter.
My foe had the high ground
But I thought it didn’t matter.
As you died in childbirth
We shared one final “Ow!”
Then your boss gave me a suit
And said “You’re Vader now.”
And now I rule the galaxy
With my evil brand of zen
Until I find that special someone
Who calls me daddy once again.
The Daily Travesty 