When I was born, the doctor
Did declare I was a boy,
But as I’ve grown big and older
I recognized the ploy.
I want to live a simple life
And never go to work
Which means I want to be a woman
(Either that or I’m a jerk).
Tag Archives: Humor
Hindsight Is 20/100
When I was ten
The world was bright.
The sun would wear a smile.
When I was twenty
The world was fun
And I ran a four-minute mile.
After I turned the thirty
The world was my oyster.
I was truly in the flow,
And now I’m ninety-eight years old
Being told “the memory’s first to go.”
Filed under Poems
The Silent Poet: This Is Why We Hibernate…
Amidst the misty morning,
Atop the naïve snow,
The thin white wind blew, chilly,
‘Neath sun’s unearthly glow.
The living glass of needles
Lay beneath the stalwart fir
And I, the bear, thought all this
But, alas, could only say “grr.”
Filed under Poems
The Terrible Luck Of Being Born Into Non-Dysfunctional Cultural Paradigms
Yesterday, on Facebook,
I saw an event
That a friend wanted to,
In the future, say they went.
It was a play by Young Jean Lee
Called “Straight White Men,”
And, somewhere in my soul
I thought “Lord, not again!”
So I read the description
Of this play, ’cause ’twas late.
It said “a comedy about the people
“Who we all love to hate.”
Now that was enlightening,
And since then I’ve learned
Racism’s when white men feel good
About all that they’ve earned.
So as a straight white man
Who lives in a place
Where the windows aren’t broken
And walls aren’t defaced,
Where all violent crimes
Are, in general, rare,
I learned that such luxuries
Just aren’t fair.
I learned that I’m “privileged,”
‘Cause my life doesn’t suck,
That I’m not a poor druggy
Quite simply by luck,
That my checking account
Still has money to spare
Not because of good choices
But because life’s not fair.
Straight white men are evil
For being ourselves.
We should donate our homes
To black people or elves.
Up ’til now I’ve lived honestly,
Tried to do what was right.
I see now that’s impossible
Because I am white!
Filed under Poems
Your Chance To Lose Money Is Finally Here! (Hi Clive)
You could put your money on the Cleveland Browns
For Super Bowl Any-time-in-the-future,
But that wouldn’t help anyone,
Let alone this poetic moocher.
Instead I’ve got a different way
To part ways with your cash
Which is by going to my Patreon
And putting it in my stash.
To those of you whose common sense
Says “but money is important”
And the thought of spending it seems, to you,
A little bit abhorrent
I’d point out that your cash will go
To helping me survive.
Nothing’s really better than supporting the arts
Except, perhaps, being named “Clive.”
But since my name is David
And your name’s probably not Clive either
Hop on over to Patreon
Like you’re an eager beaver.
If you don’t pay, the poems won’t stop;
You’ll still get these Travesties daily.
The only difference is, to get my food,
I won’t have to resort to a gladiatorial melee.
(Which is good because I’m skinny and bruise easily).
Filed under Poems
The Best Sense Is Nonsense
The neighbor’s chihuahua
Is barking next door.
The children threw up
On the living room floor.
A road crew’s jackhammer
Is going to work
And the top trending hashtags
Are #MeToo and #Twerk.
The wife is yelling
That the kids won’t be quiet.
The kids say “it’s Trump’s fault”
And he doesn’t deny it.
And in this glorious moment
That, to you, might seem stressful
I begin to know why
Helen Keller was so successful.
Filed under Poems
Inner City Nursery Rhymes
“Red umbrella on a bench
Next to homeless guy with stench.
Kinda wrinkly, slightly damp
Are both umbrella and the tramp.
They’ve been friends since ’98
When he bought it, as if by fate.
Together they’ve been through a lot.
They’ve weathered storms, bickered, and fought.
The hobo and umbrella pair
Possess a sense of laissez-faire.
It seems for them that things look up
As they count coins in their half-full cup.
Then they lynch a passerby;
Umbrella stabs him in the eye.”
This is why you should always look
Before you buy a children’s book!
Filed under Poems
Is My Bed The Nicest Place On Earth, Or Is It Just Tuesday?
Two feet from where I’m sitting
There’s a mighty gale I hear.
I thought a bird hit my window,
But turns out it was a deer.
At the zoo a fish died (drowning)
And some penguins froze to death.
A politician stopped complaining
And turns out nothing rhymes with “death.”
I watched a Chris Rock movie
And not one person cussed
And in exactly fifteen minutes
I have to leave to catch the bus.
Filed under Poems
A Friendly Poem For The Boss On Your Last Day
For all of the work
U’ve put into my life,
Can I ever thank you enough?
Kause of you I can say
Yeah, life’s terrible, but hey! Now I
Own a whole lot more stuff!
Ur name here <~~~~
Filed under Poems
My High School Love Life
The car windows are steamy.
My chest is warm and bare.
My fingers tingle, running
Gently through her golden hair.
Her chin is in my fingers
And I pull her lips to mine.
Our tongues do dance a tango
That defines the word divine.
I pause, she gasps and whimpers
But I say “I’ll be back soon.”
I step into the parking lot
Beneath the crescent moon.
I can read “humane society”
Despite the evening fog.
I tell the clerk “I’ll take her,”
And that’s how I met my dog.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 