I think the greatest opportunity
Anyone ever missed
Was “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter”
Not making butter, ’cause what a twist!
Tag Archives: Poetry
Preservation of Mass
You were the light of their life,
A celestial body just for them,
But there were a billion stars
Brighter than you.
Your heart was a mountain,
Climbing to the sky,
But roads need gravel
And miners need jobs.
You were the wind and the water,
The rabbit and the fox,
The fish and the hook
And you fed them for a day.
Stars burn out,
Roads are passed by,
Winds stop blowing,
Foxes stop chasing,
And when its dark and still
And you forget what you were,
How you burned and grew
And bit and blew,
You’ll become a part of the world
You thought you were above;
A spark, a stone, a cell, a drop,
What you always were
And always did:
Matter.
Filed under Poems
Only Monday Through Friday Though
One time I didn’t poop for a week,
So I went to the doctor for help.
He gave me two options to get me to go.
The first was a mixture of kelp
And fructose with fiber, a laxative cocktail
To force my intestines to play.
The second was working a job that I hate…
And now I poop two hours a day!
Filed under Poems
What About The Roads Though?
In the past twelve months, America
Printed twice as much money
As every American Billionaire combined,
Which is twenty percent
Of all dollars ever spent
Since 1835.
That money could pay off
All American credit card debt
AND all American student loan debt
Twice.
And so I ask:
Why do we need taxes again?
Filed under Poems
So Many Despots Just Picked The Wrong Demographic…
If you want to have world peace
And have all wars be ended
All you need to do is kill
The folks who get offended
Because if no one ever
Is upset by what gets said
No one will think, “That’s mean
“And so let’s make that person dead.”
Instead the only people
Still alive can speak their mind
And no one says “Let’s murder them
“‘Cause they mocked my behind.”
We’d live in perfect harmony
In lands of dance and song,
And if such genocide offends you
Then I dare you: Prove me wrong.
Filed under Poems
She Puts The “Ass” In “Asymptote”
A small cup of soda is $2.99,
A medium pop is $3.50, and
A large one is only $3.55
So I figure your mom costs a grand.
Filed under Poems
How To Pickup Blue-Haired Girls
I think Albino representation
Is what modern Hollywood lacks.
After all, if there are no albinos
What roles will Netflix give the blacks?
Filed under Poems
H*ck Yeah!
If you’re afraid someone might think
That you’re sort of a d*ck
Then emulate the mainstream news
And use this little tr*ck
Wherein you take a common word
Like ch*cken, sn*ke, or d*sc
And replace one relevant l*tter
With a h*ndy asterisk!
N*body can blame you
Or say you’re being r*de
‘Cause words like f*ck and bullsh*t
Are not, in themselves cr*de.
Don’t w*rry about the fact
That you can read all this just f*ne:
What m*tters is that readers
Know you h*ven’t got a sp*ne.
Filed under Poems
Plus The One About Chocolate Slaves Murdering Lottery Winners For Their Zany CEO’s Amusement…
Children’s books today address
Bullying and gender
And how to make vegan, non-fat,
Pastrami in a blender.
Children’s books in my day
Were like “Bears go to the beach,”
And “Here’s a story ’bout some kid
“With an enormous peach.”
The Daily Travesty 