One man’s treasure is another man’s trash.
That’s what I’ve heard them say,
But I find the statement even more true
If you take the “is” away.
Tag Archives: Puns
Rape Culture?
I was the star of my football team
Through high school and beyond.
I was six-foot four, 400 pounds…
When I walked I shook the floor.
When I got to college
I tried out for the offensive line
But apparently “make me a sandwich”
Had been used, and I was declined.
I dieted, I exercised,
I worked both day and night.
I dropped to a mere 250 pounds
And practiced catching right.
I came back my sophomore year
And became the team’s tight end.
I got a jersey and a girlfriend.
I thought my life was on the mend.
But, through football player logic,
I thought some heads needed a dent.
The police disagreed with me
So off to jail I went.
Now four years later I return,
No longer a brawler or deceiver.
You may go to jail a tight end
But you return a wide receiver.
Filed under Poems
And That Is Why Some People Shouldn’t Have Dragons…
If I get a pet dragon
(For business or for kicks)
I’ll hide it in my dungeon
And prob’ly call it Trix.
I’ll feed it little children
To give it a dragon’s fix,
But mostly for the privilege of saying
“Silly rabbit, kids are for Trix!”
Filed under Poems
Why I Got A Hepatitis-F On My Biology Exam
“Hepatitis A
And Hepatitis B
Are differentiated by
The number of hours they study.”
Filed under Poems
How To Make French Toast?
Could somebody help me, perchance?
I’m vacationing somewhere in France
And my most gracious host
Asked to make them a toast
But objected when the eggs and cream got on their pants…
Filed under Poems
But Will The Buck Stop There?
There’s a deer in the bathroom.
Its name, we don’t know.
We’ve decided to call her
By the name of “John Doe.”
Filed under Poems
JurASSic Park?
I’ve debated for a while
The moral consequences
Of selling my body for money.
But when I undress
I find to my distress
That people just think it is funny.
So I hired somebody
Who looks a bit like me
To portray me in screenwritten sex.
He’s an older man
With a history in movies
Named Tyrannosaurus Rexxx.
Filed under Poems
I Stole These Jokes And Made Them Rhyme… You’re Welcome
A Mexican magician
Was the epitome of grace.
He would count “uno, dos,”
Then disappear without a tres.
He did this trick in Europe.
When he reappeared he said “mama mia!”
Then he asked “can you see me now?”
And the crowd said: “Yes, oui, si, ja.”
Filed under Poems
But If It Were Traveling At 4 Miles Per Hour For 12 Minutes How Far Apart Were The Hay Bales?
Once there was some type of snake,
A cobra, asp, or adder.
Since the story’s fictional
It really doesn’t matter.
This adder, I’ve decided,
Was in a farm one day
Sliding its limbless body
Between two bales of hay.
The snake was not observant
And it failed to look both ways.
‘Twas run over by the farmer.
And thus ended its days.
So when the adder rendez-voused
With its rural malefactor
We can say the adder
Suddenly became sub-tractor.
Filed under Poems
Political Commentary < Forced Cheese Puns
When all was young
In the beginning
There was a big cheese
And we called it a king.
But the cheese was too big
For the peasants’ humble stomachs.
Though they had many plans
The situation continued to flummox.
So they cut up the king,
(Figuratively, of course)
And imposed their own rule
Through riot-based force.
Instead of a king
Who can do as he pleases
They had a republic
Of many smaller cheeses.
Yes, the peasants were the first
Of the modern free-staters.
They made cheeses smaller
And, thus, the cheese grater.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 