I’m sporadically baffled, befuddled, and vexed
When traversing a sum of obfuscated text.
Otherwise, sometimes I feel the need
To say in plain english “This is hard to read.”
Tag Archives: Travesty
Shocking, But More Power To Him, Even Though He Misspelled It (Inspired By Current Events)
My buddy made a statement
That I didn’t really hear
So I looked at him and asked
“Volt times ampere?”
Apparently that wasn’t
The response for which he’d planned,
Thus he retorted “What?”
And I said “I’m shocked you understand!”
Filed under Poems
Taaaake… Me To The Ri. Vuh… (Drop me in the wa. Tuh…) But An Octave Lower
The guys who, in the ‘90s,
Made the singing Big Mouth Bass
Will be long renowned by history
For redefining “urban class.”
Alas, they could have changed music
Had they thought ahead so far
As to make an instrument
They called the “bass guitar.”
Filed under Poems
Alpha, Delta, Omicron…
A kid with jelly on his hands
Picked up a DVD
And put it in to watch a film
On their big screen TV,
But yet alas, the dirty disc
Got stuck around halfway
And it repeated the same old scene
Even when they pressed “play.”
Then finally they’d had enough
And said “I’ve had enough,”
Pulled out the disk and wiped it off
Then did some other stuff.
A five-year old can figure out
When something isn’t right
To make a new plan without delay
And still have fun that night.
And yet the leaders we voted for
Have yet to grasp this thought,;
Instead they say “shots didn’t work…
“How ‘bout another shot?”
Filed under Poems
When You Ask Them To Say “Cheese” And They Say “Take The F***ing Picture Already”
A thin grin, a smile with guile,
A false upward turn of the lips:
Needless to say, if you know a way
To take good family photos, share tips!
Filed under Poems
Small Blessings
Today we give thanks
For what makes us happy:
A person, a memory, a song…
If you ain’t got nothing
For which to be thankful
Be thankful this poem ain’t long.
Filed under Poems
Thanks New World Order!
This year they started teaching kids
As young as five-years-old
That gender is whatever you choose
And not just what you’re told.
To celebrate this progress
In sex-ed for the prepubescent
I thought of a list of titles
For children’s books in this age present:
“Everybody Fucks,” for one;
Or “When the President Sniffs Your Hair”;
“The Very Hungry Pedophile”;
Or the two-papa Berenstain Bears.
“When Daddy Says ‘Call Me Mommy’”;
“The Fantastic Gyration Sensation”;
And a favorite of drag queen story hour:
“A is for Autoerotic Asphyxiation.”
Maybe you don’t feel comfortable
Putting porn in your preschooler’s head?
Don’t worry! For kids who are too young
We’ll teach them they’re racists instead!
Filed under Poems
If Background Characters Mattered: Star Wars Edition
Of all the films that ever ended
Then were released in versions extended
The biggest scene these films still lack
Is the pivotal part in “The Empire Strikes Back”
Where Steve, the Bespin cleaning guy
Who fixes the vents of the city in the sky
Sees a disembodied hand somewhere
And decides “Eh, whatever. I don’t care.”
Moments later Steve just laughed
When he saw Luke fall down the bottomless shaft
Then picked up his check from Mr. Vader
And went back home to his giant crater.
Filed under Poems
By Reading This Limerick You May Or May Not Open A Parallel Universe
There once was a cat of Schrodinger
Who wanted to give science the finger.
He said “I will stay
“And also walk away.”
Thus he simultaneously did and did not linger.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 