The best thing about 8 billion people
Is, at least according to me,
That no matter what weird opinion you have
At least one other guy will agree.
The worst thing about 8 billion people
Is, also according to moi,
That a bunch of the rich and the stupid ones
Agree their opinions are law.
Filed under Poems
Doctors say lots of children
Have ADHD
And would sit all day long
Just to watch some TV
But instead they must go
To be receive state education
In a room full of bullies
And other frustration.
We do this to children
Because they must learn
About how they can focus
Until they adjourn
As good reborn children
Instead of mere scamps,
Thus why schools should be called
“Concentration camps.”
Filed under Poems
In the past twelve months, America
Printed twice as much money
As every American Billionaire combined,
Which is twenty percent
Of all dollars ever spent
Since 1835.
That money could pay off
All American credit card debt
AND all American student loan debt
Twice.
And so I ask:
Why do we need taxes again?
Filed under Poems
Children’s books today address
Bullying and gender
And how to make vegan, non-fat,
Pastrami in a blender.
Children’s books in my day
Were like “Bears go to the beach,”
And “Here’s a story ’bout some kid
“With an enormous peach.”
Yet another sign
That our publics schools suck ass:
They have a grading rubric
For a “creative writing” class.
Filed under Poems
“Prove that genies aren’t real!”
Demanded my stepbrother, Buzz.
“The greatest proof genies don’t exist
“Is that single-ply toilet paper still does.”
Filed under Poems
Before your TV show resumes
Please watch this little ad
From a global corporation
To remind you that you’re bad.
And if our subtle message
Won’t subliminally take
Don’t worry. There are 14 more
In every single break.
Filed under Poems
In the beginning the wolves roamed the wild
Just eating the grazers and sometimes a child.
Then some stupid human said “Fluffy! Yoohoo!”
And he started to breed them for me and for you.
The first were domestic and strong, fast and loyal,
A dog for the brave, whether peasant or royal.
They had names like “Fido,” “Apache,” and “Spike,”
And they pooped where they wanted and liked what they like.
But soon came some others, and not for the better:
They came with free handbags and even a sweater.
These dogs were called “Floofums,” “McTwinkle,” and “Cheese,”
And maybe they’ll sit if you nicely ask “Please?”
Soon we’ll have puppies the size of our phones
Who only chew vegan, soy, gluten-free bones,
And when we accept such weak canines as pets
We’ll know just how low our society gets.
Filed under Poems
Roses are red.
The worst sport is soccer.
Biden’s the pres’
Just like Rey’s a Skywalker.
Filed under Poems
Tonight I have no topics
To write a poem about…
But will that stop me? Never!
I’m shocked you’d ever doubt!
No force of man or nature
Can stop me writing junk.
As big tech corporations say:
“It’s a feature, not a funk.”
In fact, when I’m inspired
I might settle for one stanza
About something that sounds funny
Like Swaziland or Lufthansa.
But today, despite my lack
Of anything resembling a point
I wrote a lengthy poem
And if you don’t like it, suck my groint.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 