I gained a couple of pounds
Since the last time I was seen.
I’m noticeably wider
Since the start of quarantine.
I’ve got handles for lovin’
But no contact with my queen.
Life has stalled, I’m going bald
And I gained Covid 19.
Everything’s Bigger In Texas
I like me some ice cream and beer
And sometimes go hunting for deer.
I don’t eat no plants though
Which means that my pants know
The pure incarnation of fear.
Filed under Poems
Morbid Subtext in Children’s Music
All is well while you’re singing
Until your realize
Mary will eventually have a big sheep
Unless one of them dies…
And yet we have been singing this
Since time itself was made.
Do the Mary’s keep swapping
Or was a sweater made?
Filed under Poems
How to Choose a Fitness Club
If they’re doing yoga,
Zumba, jazzercise or such
You’re likely in the Estrogym
And have a woman’s touch.
If they’re watching football games
And opening a beer
You’re gym is the Testosterzone,
The palace of good cheer.
Filed under Poems
Based on a True Story
She said, “I love your belly fat,
“Your slightly crooked nose,
“Your creepily short fingers
“And your eerily long toes.
“I love your balding forehead
“And your lazy eye as well.”
I said, “Thanks, but all that stuff
“Is nothing next to my smell.”
Filed under Poems
Compromises
Some say my standards are too low,
I’m selling myself short,
And that the only girls I like
Are the substandard sort.
At first I disagreed with them,
But soon I started to wonder…
No news yet, but I’ve got a date
With my neighbor’s pet snake, Thunder.
Filed under Poems
Mixed Messages (AKA The Power of Marketing)
I read a few websites today
And thought I’d share a list
Of just a few quotations
That I now know exist.
The following will not be rhymed
Because they’re exact quotes;
The twist shall be revealed in time
So no need to take notes:
“We fight for clarity and truth telling. We fight for a world that we want our children to live in.”
“We also promote an aggressive search for and use of non-polluting and clean energy sources such as solar, wind, and clean fossil fuels.”
“We respect the right of homeowners and that no one should ever be forced from their home for the non payment of taxes.”
“We support all U.S. veterans. We should find those that are missing and take care of those who have come home.”
“We affirm our humanity, our contributions to this society, and our resilience in the face of deadly oppression.”
“We declare freedom is humanity’s highest ideal, and no cost is too great to ensure liberty and justice.”
“We disrupted business as usual and impacted the world. Thank you to our organizers, our supporters, and our allies.”
“We have fought like hell for our freedom and we will continue to fight like hell. Because we deserve more than we have been given. Because we deserve the healing and the transformation and most importantly we deserve to be free.”
So who are these idealists
Who write impassioned pleas
With hope that everyone will know
The world their author sees?
Some are from “Black Lives Matter.”
The rest are from the KKK.
One of them I just made up,
So happy research day!
Filed under Poems
Who Else Watched The Debate?
“Roses are red!”
“No! Violets are blue!”
“That’s a lie!”
“Shut up!” “F*** you!”
Filed under Poems
Xfinitely Bad
If I lived under a rock,
Knew no news and bought no stock,
I’d find a slug to be my pet
And have much better internet.
Filed under Poems
Nothing Like A Token Effort To Bring People Together!
I’m sitting at home on a Monday
Drinking water straight from the tap
While I stare at some novels by time’s greatest minds
And then sit and write out this crap.
Then I picture you, my dear reader
With more money and power than me
Reading this crap on the internet
And I know, in a way, you’re like me.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 